People back themselves into corners all the time. They don’t want to be there, but they’ve painted themselves into a situation where getting out would cost them more in social capital than they want to spend. This can be a problem for you, if you’re trying to get something from someone who’s done that to themselves – and if that person has painted themselves into a corner that prevents you from getting it.
Want an example? Let’s say you have a co-worker who’s taken on a big project that is upstream from your work. That project is required for you to do your next major project, but it rapidly becomes apparent that this co-worker has bitten off more than they can chew. They talked a big game about being able to do the work, but now it’s behind schedule and impacting you.
Think about what this person has done. They’ve put themselves into a situation where asking for help – even though it’s the sensible thing to do – will make them lose social capital. They’ll look bad in front of their peers. That alone will make them act irrationally; they might scoff at the idea of help and make excuses, they might start shifting blame, all sorts of things can happen. Even if all you want to do is genuinely help, your offer of assistance is as likely to get lashed out at as accepted.
So what to do? You need to offer this person a “social escape hatch.” You need to engineer the situation a little in such a way that allows them to accept the help without losing face.
If they can’t admit that they need help, then don’t offer help – ask for it. Tell them you want to learn how to do projects like that, and ask if you can “ride along” with them. Now you’ll be helping anyway, but they save face. Or maybe let them know you’re struggling with a different project, and maybe it would make sense to combine efforts and work on both together.
There are many options – too many to discuss in one post. But once you understand the core idea, it’s easier to navigate.
Everyone has their personal needs, and if you try to wrestle with someone’s ego, you’ll almost always lose. But the ego will happily yield to practical reality if it doesn’t have to get hurt in the process. So figure out how to let the ego out the back door and you can get anything you want.
The Opportunity Machine 