It’s a simple lesson, but worth repeating: Whenever you want to know how to handle a situation with another person, ask that person.

Here’s your template: “I think we both want to resolve this, and I want to be as respectful as I can. What’s the best way I can help us solve this problem? What would work best for you?”

That works in 99.99% of situations, but it’s frequently the last thing people try, if they try it at all. Not sure what would make your partner feel appreciated? Tell them you care, and ask them. Having difficulty with a coworker? Tell them you want to work well together, and ask them how. Friend upset at you, and you can’t figure out why? Let them know you value them, and ask them how they’d like you to show it.

Always start with the ask.

I’m surprised at how often in the workplace someone will say that they were asked to do something, and in the same breath claim they didn’t have the choice to say no.

Then they weren’t asking, were they?

Or – more likely – they were asking, and the person who didn’t let you say no is in the mirror.

Don’t create unreasonable expectations that don’t actually exist.

The senses are linked in weird ways. You can change the way things taste by holding your nose when you eat them, because those senses work together to form the actual profile of what you’re eating in your brain.

I’m always wowed by the way sight contributes to those things. Want to know why putting a band-aid on a kid’s bruised finger makes them feel better, even though that makes no sense? “Pain” is just a signal from your body to your brain that something is damaged and you need to do something about it. But sight does that, too! If you see a big bruise on your arm, it will hurt more than the same bruise if you can’t see it.

Visual cues can make us calm or anxious, angry or happy – even hungry or hurt. If you put a snack on your desk while you work, you’ll get hungry and want that snack sooner than if you didn’t.

Which means, ultimately: control your vision. Put things in front of you that are visual cues to the behaviors and attitudes you want, as often as you can control such things. And put the other stuff far, far out of sight.

My eldest daughter is a few weeks into her high school journey. She’s having a marvelous time.

When she researched this school, applied, and got accepted all on her own, I was partially excited and partially relieved. High school was an abysmal time for me, overall. It had its bright moments, of course – my childhood in general was good, so naturally those years weren’t all bad. But the time spent in school specifically was miserable. It was a prison – one I barely escaped from. I worried for a long time about my children repeating that experience, and I’ve spent a lot of time trying to prepare them for it.

But here’s my eldest, my Beanstalk, and she’s already made a dozen friends. She’s landing smoothly in her academics, and she’s a delightfully social creature; she’s much more like I am now as opposed to being like how I was then. She’s planning a birthday party for one of her new friends as I write.

She’s a perfect example of something so often hard to remember: Children are people. From the moment they can walk and talk, they’re living their own lives. You, as a parent, are a big part of those lives, but you’re far from the only part. They aren’t clones of you, no matter how much of you they inherit.

Be a stable base for them, and they’ll be so, so much better.

One of the greatest feelings in the world is when the training wheels come off. You needed them to get started, but now that you’re past them, you expect it to be harder – only to find that you’re more powerful than you could have imagined. You squeaked along, and now you can fly.

We don’t have to be great at everything ourselves. Everyone is great at something, and for every “something,” there’s someone who’s great at it. And those people share! They demonstrate and model.

Take that within. If you find yourself being bad at small talk, think to yourself, “Who’s the person I know that’s best at small talk?” Then ask yourself why you think of that person as good at it. You can probably list two or three things you’ve observed about their behavior – and if you can’t, go chat with them.

There you go; now you have a model of how to be at least a little better at small talk. You don’t have to figure it all out yourself, you just have to ask yourself that specific series of questions.

How can you tell that someone actually wants to be talking to you? Give ’em an out.

Look, you should watch for signs. If someone puts on their coat and puts their bag over their shoulder, then they want to leave. Let them! But the signs aren’t always as obvious. So make sure you’re giving the opportunities.

Here’s an easy one: let them talk last. If they say something nice, give an easy “thanks!” and then don’t respond right away. If they say something else to start a new thread, then great! They want to continue the conversation. Check in like that every few minutes and make sure you’re asking more questions than you’re answering, and 99% of the time you’ll be in conversations the other person is enjoying.

It’s easy to trap people and hard to be self-aware. So build the patterns, give ’em an out, and spend your time with people who want to spend time with you.

We sometimes imbue suggestions or requests with far more power than they warrant. I’m often surprised – though perhaps I shouldn’t be – when people tell me they “have” to do something, even though they literally only received a request to do that thing.

Don’t interpret requests as anything but! You can decline; and you should, if the request doesn’t fit your life right now.

You might think that the “polite request” is actually an order in disguise. All the better reason to say no! If you’re going to order me around, you’re at least going to admit that’s what you’re doing.

Until you do, it’s only a suggestion.

You don’t have to be upbeat just because others are. There’s a pressure not to “bring down the vibe,” but that mustn’t replace your integrity and honestly. You don’t have to ruin a good time to simply not participate.

If something is important and you don’t have it, don’t lament. Replace!

Siblings are an incredible boon; if you only have one child, it’s great to give them siblings. But if you can’t (or don’t want to for other reasons), find surrogate siblings! Find the kid they like best in the daycare or school and become absolute best friends with their parents.

This mentality works for all sorts of things. People can be important figures in your or your family’s life without having been born to the title. Don’t chase them away just because they aren’t the “genuine article.” There’s no such thing, only those who genuinely bring joy to your life.