Read the Room

I was once standing in a circle talking with a handful of people whom I only knew very casually. Not even mutual acquaintances, just people who went to the same place I did sometimes. But a small conversation had spontaneously emerged, casual and without much depth. Then one of the guys in the circle piped up with a rant – several minutes long – about how the races should be separated or something of that nature, along with increasingly elaborate ideas about how to bring this about. We watched with horror, waiting for some grim punchline that never came – this was just what that dude chose to talk about before the rest of us extracted ourselves and made a rapid escape.

The first thing I did was check in with the rest of that group in a new location and asked them: “Do I strike any of you as someone who it would be, you know… cool to say that to?” I wanted to make sure it wasn’t me who was accidentally giving off “invite me to join your race war” vibes. Once I was sure that I wasn’t, I was able to relax somewhat. But the experience stuck with me.

A really, really vital skill in life is being able to “read the room.” Hopefully, even your most private thoughts aren’t running that vile, but we all have styles of humor or conversation that can run against the grain of certain groups. That doesn’t make them necessarily bad! A genuine and thoughtful conversation about the economics of gender disparity in pay might ruffle some feathers, but it certainly isn’t an evil conversation to have. At the same time, trying to raise that topic isn’t going to win you many points in the wrong room, so learn to read it.

I don’t like arguing in general, and this is the broader version of that same advice. Take it slow. You can change the topic, but don’t go more than one step at a time. If the room is talking about local politics, feel free to bring up state politics. But don’t go from local politics to Star Wars fan-fiction, you know? Test the waters a little.

If you talk to a hundred people, you’ll find a handful worth talking to a second time. Starting with that second conversation, you can start to really find the grand discourse that can ignite the mind. But when you’re a guest in a new room, talk less – and read more.