The smaller the gesture, the greater its weight in determining how much the person behind that gesture values you.

My father once worked in a large office building for a software company. One of the perks at this job was that the soda machines in the break rooms didn’t charge for the soda. You could just go in there, hit a button, and have a Coke or whatever. Wholesale cans of soda probably run around a quarter apiece, so this wasn’t exactly breaking the bank for the software company. But the employees loved it, even though it maybe represented less than a few dollars per week of actual “benefit” to any given person.

One day the company was bought by a larger software company, and the new bosses changed the soda machines to charge standard retail prices, like 2 dollars per soda. The employees went berserk. There were mass walkoffs. My father told his new bosses why everyone was quitting, and they were flabbergasted. This was a few dollars a week difference. They couldn’t imagine why anyone would care so much.

But that’s the test. The less “valuable” the gesture is, the more you look like a complete asshole if you don’t do it.

If you get a $20 meal, the difference between tipping 10% and 20% is two dollars. That’s minor to you and, quite honestly, probably minor to the person you’re tipping. Which is why you should do it: it’s so minor that not doing it makes you a jerk.

Someone else I told this story to recently told me that his similar test of an employer’s value system is to see what kind of toilet paper they stock in the employee bathrooms. It’s not a huge price difference between the bad kind and something with some quality, but you buy far more goodwill by spending a pretty minor amount of money.

Small gestures that you don’t have to do are exactly the ones that carry the most weight. So don’t cheap out on the soda, the toilet paper, the small compliments, or the extra 10% on that tip. You’ll earn far more than you pay.

Your energy doesn’t keep forever. You aren’t a battery. You need a flow of energy, in and out, to stay healthy and realize your goals.

It would be wonderful if we could wake up in the morning with a lot of energy, realize we didn’t have much to do that day, and somehow roll that energy over into the next. But that’s not how it works. You’ll need new energy tomorrow, but what’s more – you need to find a way to use up that energy today.

If you don’t, it goes stale. It starts to rot. It comes out in other ways: as anxiety, as fidgety distraction, or as bad habits. Every day you have to both empty and fill the tank within you – you can’t skip either.

“If this was destroyed in a fire, would I replace it?”

Sometimes you work really hard on something, for a long time, and then one day despite your best efforts it goes poof! By some random act of the fates, it’s now gone. Nine times out of ten, I’ve found that people who experience that aren’t sad – they feel free.

“I was a slave at that job for ten years. When I got laid off, it was actually a godsend.” Except you weren’t a slave – you could have left at any time. But we dig our own graves, one day at a time.

Look at the things you work hard on. The things into which you pour your effort. And ask yourself: if you lost this in a fire, would you chop off a hand to replace it?

That’s a high bar. My family passes it, and not much else. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t put effort into anything that doesn’t pass that test, but it does mean you shouldn’t put yourself in anguish because of it. Because it could all burn away at any time – so you might as well spend your days with the best experiences there are, whatever that is to you.

The voice of fear in your head exists to keep you safe. It’s not concerned with accuracy. In fact, in its goal to keep you safe, it will outright lie to you.

It won’t even just lie about what might happen. It will lie about what is happening, right now. It will do this because the fear voice wants you to take it seriously, and it’s willing to do anything it can for that to happen.

Fear will make pain hurt worse than it does. If you’re afraid, small nicks will feel like deep wounds and light taps feel like severe blows. The physical damage is the same, but being terrified makes it seem much worse. The fear voice is amplifying your pain – it’s saying “See?! What did I tell you?! You should have listened to me and run!!”

In the moment, this clarity might not help much. But fear is weakest when it’s dormant, and during that time you can build dams against it. You can be aware that this will happen and gird yourself with mantras to remind you. The next time you’re afraid to go to the dentist because it’s going to hurt, just remember – it’s the fear that’s making it hurt. Lessen the fear, and the same physical sensation will be far more mild.

After a period of high-intensity activity, especially social activity, I find myself in a sort of mental slump. It’s hard to bring the full focus of my brain onto a specific task willingly. Usually, what breaks this pattern is that something will just demand my brain’s efforts and I’ll have no choice – work or some other project will rear up and then off we go. But without that, it can feel like I’m just winding down to be put away for a while.

Sometimes my brain and my body want vacations at different times. My body could use rest, but my brain wants to power up, or vice versa. Bringing those things in sync with one another is a key part of a healthy cycle of rest and activity, I think.

Many of the things I do these days are asynchronous. There’s very little sun. I think it’s time for a project.

It’s not uncommon for a product or service to have certain markers of high quality that come to be recognized by the market for that good. Over time, marketers can start to emphasize those things over the actual quality of the thing in question. Those indicators might be easier to produce or cheaper to create than a quality product, especially if a quality competitor already exists that you can’t beat.

In other words, beware of the shiny packaging. Some things aren’t good, they’re just bright.

I was once standing in a circle talking with a handful of people whom I only knew very casually. Not even mutual acquaintances, just people who went to the same place I did sometimes. But a small conversation had spontaneously emerged, casual and without much depth. Then one of the guys in the circle piped up with a rant – several minutes long – about how the races should be separated or something of that nature, along with increasingly elaborate ideas about how to bring this about. We watched with horror, waiting for some grim punchline that never came – this was just what that dude chose to talk about before the rest of us extracted ourselves and made a rapid escape.

The first thing I did was check in with the rest of that group in a new location and asked them: “Do I strike any of you as someone who it would be, you know… cool to say that to?” I wanted to make sure it wasn’t me who was accidentally giving off “invite me to join your race war” vibes. Once I was sure that I wasn’t, I was able to relax somewhat. But the experience stuck with me.

A really, really vital skill in life is being able to “read the room.” Hopefully, even your most private thoughts aren’t running that vile, but we all have styles of humor or conversation that can run against the grain of certain groups. That doesn’t make them necessarily bad! A genuine and thoughtful conversation about the economics of gender disparity in pay might ruffle some feathers, but it certainly isn’t an evil conversation to have. At the same time, trying to raise that topic isn’t going to win you many points in the wrong room, so learn to read it.

I don’t like arguing in general, and this is the broader version of that same advice. Take it slow. You can change the topic, but don’t go more than one step at a time. If the room is talking about local politics, feel free to bring up state politics. But don’t go from local politics to Star Wars fan-fiction, you know? Test the waters a little.

If you talk to a hundred people, you’ll find a handful worth talking to a second time. Starting with that second conversation, you can start to really find the grand discourse that can ignite the mind. But when you’re a guest in a new room, talk less – and read more.

Tonight I took my children and met with a large chunk of my extended family at a themed Christmas village near us. We go every year; we watch the lights come on, drink hot chocolate, and ride the rides until well past bedtime. All the little cousins run around while the parents share stories and enjoy one another’s company.

It’s out of a storybook. It’s perfect.

It’s a recurring theme here, I know, but clan is important. Even if you can go it alone, it’s immeasurably more joyous if you don’t. If you lament the fact that you don’t have a family like this – stop. All “families like this” will have you. If you see us, come say hello – we have an extra cup of hot chocolate just for you.

When you travel with others, their interests become yours. Enjoy it.

You never know when the ride is going to get really, really good. Get two tickets, bring a friend.