Own Your Choices

Remember the Serenity Prayer? “Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.“

That “wisdom to know the difference” part is pretty important, but I mostly see it applied in one direction – as advice to people who are constantly railing against the immutable aspects of the universe. Sometimes it rains, and you can’t do a thing about it – so quit complaining.

But lately I’ve noticed that more often than we’d like to admit, we humans make our mistakes in the opposite direction. We turn things that are very much under our control into immutable facts of the universe in our heads. We often do it in order to escape the shame we feel about the choices we’ve made.

But as long as we keep doing that, we’re going to keep making those same choices. We don’t leave ourselves any alternative as long as don’t even accept that we’re making a choice to begin with.

It’s painful to admit, of course. But it’s absolutely necessary. Don’t hang your head and say “I have to go to work today.” You don’t have to! You choose to, because you’re choosing one set of consequences (being miserable but making money) over another (not being miserable but not making any money). But you’ll never be able to explore alternatives as long as you hide from yourself the fact that you’re making an active decision about your life. As long as you use tricks of language and willful ignorance to disguise the fact that you own the agency over these outcomes, they’ll never change.

That’s the first step. No matter how miserable the action is, accept that you’re choosing it. When your friend asks if you want to go on a road trip or your partner asks if you want to spend a romantic evening at home, don’t say “I can’t – I have to go to work.”

Instead, say: “I do want to, but I’m choosing to go to work instead. I value time with you, but I value my continued employment more.”

You will not like saying that. But it will be true – until it isn’t, and you change.