A deep, personal flaw of mine is that I historically held onto feelings and opinions longer than was warranted. “Held onto” is putting it nicely; I clutched them in my ragged claw like a drowning man clutches the piece of driftwood he’s battling another survivor for in the icy waves.
I was the all-time world champion grudge holder. The tiniest slight and you’d be my enemy for life. It was enough that I had a genuine reputation for it; people would avoid conversational topics with me because they included a person who had done some minor bad thing ten years ago, and everyone else moved on from 9.7 years ago, but they knew I hadn’t and would seethe at the mention of their name.
Interestingly, the reverse was true, too. If I admired someone, they became this vaulted, unshakable icon and nothing would move me from that position. In the best of times, that translated to extreme loyalty to my friends and family who deserved it, and I’m not ashamed of that aspect. But in the worst of times, it caused me to ignore red flags and follow bad courses of action many times myself.
Through a tremendous deal of difficult work, I have (I’m proud to say) moved on from the grudge thing. A lot of it was probably just me getting older, but much of it was very deliberate self-reprogramming. It was me realizing that the correct amount of time to be angry with someone for something they’ve done is zero seconds. If the act is reflective of who they are as a person and you’re worried about it happening again, you should take steps to separate from that person. If it isn’t, you should forgive swiftly. In neither case does anger serve you in the slightest.
The opposite is harder to contextualize. I’m still very much the type of person to have “soft spots” for people I’ve ever thought positively of. Is that a bad thing? Should I always instead be saying “Well, what have you done for me lately?” If I think (as I do) that it’s good to forgive quickly, then doesn’t that also apply to people I like – or should I be more critical of my impulse to forgive because I already like them?
Holding grudges is obviously bad, so it was in many ways easier to train myself out of holding them. But holding people in high esteem and showing loyalty to those who’ve done right by you seems obviously good! Except I know that in certain contexts, my vision on that front isn’t exactly clear.
Maybe it’s a flaw I have to accept. Maybe having too many soft spots isn’t the worst problem in the world to have. Holding a lot of grudges left me angry and lonely for a long time. If the problem with having a lot of soft spots is that sometimes I get bruised, maybe that’s a worthy price to pay to not be angry and lonely.
The Opportunity Machine 