When called out on behavior that adds friction to a relationship, people sometimes say, “Sorry, that’s just my personality.” Cue eye rolls here, but let’s work with it.
The problem with that statement isn’t really the statement itself, it’s the timing. Imagine you’re in a meeting with your new boss. You’ve only been working for them for a few weeks, and in this meeting they tell you about ten things they think you’re doing wrong. Their tone is harsh, their pace is fast, and you’re left feeling like you made a bad decision joining the team. But hey, you’re proactive and want to bridge the gap, so you send them an email asking if there are any deeper concerns about your role on the team that should be addressed. And then you get back an email that says: “You’re a great addition to the team! I’m glad you’re here and I think you’re doing a good job. Don’t mind my tone during the meetings, that’s just how I manage, that’s just my personality, it doesn’t mean I don’t think you’re doing well.”
At best, you’re getting some big mixed messages and might be unsure how to proceed. At worst, the email comes across as insincere, only being sent as “damage control” after their initial tone puts you off. Let’s be clear: the manager shouldn’t do this. But I like to work with the world I’ve got and not dream about ideal ones that will never come to pass. So in this world, the one where people probably aren’t going to radically change their personalities or management style overnight, what can you do?
Change the timing.
The whole thing about the tone of that meeting was especially disruptive because it came along with specific criticisms or feedback. If you had gotten, much earlier in the process, an introduction that explained the style that would be coming, then it would be easier to decouple that style from the feedback itself. Imagine an early email from the manager that said something like:
“Welcome aboard! I just want to introduce myself a little more to you, and let you understand aspects of my management style. I’m fast-paced and tend not to sugarcoat, but I have a high degree of trust in my people. When there’s constructive feedback to give, I tend to give it a big burst and if I’m feeling frustrated with a larger problem, you can definitely hear it in my voice. But I promise you now, that’s not frustration with you, just with a larger circumstance – one that we’re working to solve together. I’m also very honest, so if I do have frustrations or challenges with you directly, I’ll absolutely make that clear. What this means for you is that I may jump on a call with you and quickly rattle off ten pieces of feedback, and my tone might seem short. If/when that happens, I hope you’ll remember in advance that none of that is an indicator of your specific performance, it’s just me getting my thoughts out as efficiently as I can. I absolutely encourage you to send me any follow-up emails with questions for clarification and/or action plans after that. I also encourage you to give me a similar description of your own working styles so we can adapt to each other and be an effective team!”
Now again, let me reiterate: the best course of action would be delivering feedback in a better way. But in a world where that doesn’t happen, wouldn’t getting that email early in the relationship help a ton? Wouldn’t it majorly take the sting or uncertainty out of that call later when it happens?
(Plus hey, people always get points for self-awareness with me. That’s probably true for most people!)
So here’s what you can do: Be proactive, and send yours first. Imagine as a manager, bringing a new person onto your team and they start off with a friendly “user guide” on how they tend to show up, respond to things, etc. A way to distill what often takes months or years of working together to intuitively know into an up-front, low-ego reference. They’d love it! And then it’s easy to ask them for one back. And now suddenly, you’ve eliminated 90% of the stress and emotion from future interactions.
Working together is hard, but we can make it easier.
The Opportunity Machine 