There is a vast machine out there that feeds on your rage. A long time ago, the various people who profit from the machine made it immune to being raged against by figuring out how to make vitriol the very fuel that powers it.

This machine exists to make you angry, because you being angry at it makes it more powerful. It then has the power to make you even angrier, growing ever mightier with each spike in your blood pressure.

Do you remember the advice in the earliest days of the internet, “don’t feed the trolls?” The wiser among us recognized that some people got pleasure out of baiting you into arguments and getting under your skin. The only winning move was not to play; ignore, block, and move on with your life.

Well, the trolls are behind the wheel, now. Entertainment and politics alike thrive exclusively on your attention, and the most reliable attention is angry attention. So the machine has learned to make you angry, not as a side effect, but as the main objective. This means you cannot ever win. You can’t ever beat the machine, because it feeds on your very attempts. It isn’t a person that can be intimidated, reasoned with, or overpowered. Your anger does nothing but spin the flywheel, and that’s why it spends so much of its power directly trying to make you angry.

Don’t feed the trolls, and don’t feed the machine. Whenever you get angry about anything that isn’t within your arm’s reach, remember that your anger is worse than impotent. It’s actually feeding the thing you hate.

Ignore, block, and move on with your life.

Sometimes, the primary goal of an interaction is to get to a “no” quickly and decisively.

People have all sorts of reasons not to tell you “no,” even when they know they’ll never say “yes.” An employer that doesn’t want to promote you still wants you to think it’s in the cards. A potential mate with multiple suitors who hasn’t decided yet between them still wants them all to be options.

Most people know when they’re in this situation, but they don’t like to admit it. They want to stay in the orbit, thinking that if they push too hard, that might be the thing that turns a potential yes into a no.

It isn’t.

The no was always there, and what you’re doing is simply harming yourself. Without the firm “no,” you can’t move on or take better options. Respect your time and yourself more than that – get the firm answer, either way. The universe isn’t different, but you are.

It takes more effort to start a project than to do it.

Once I’m at the sink washing dishes, it takes the same effort to wash two as to wash twenty. The momentum carries you forward and the repetition can be done mostly automatically. It’s the shift into “wash dishes mode” that takes the most cognitive effort.

(This is one of the reasons I prefer a smaller number of longer workdays, too! Any day that has work in it is a “work day,” regardless of length. A ten-hour day doesn’t feel different to me than an eight-hour one, but an extra day off is great!)

So do things as you go. Wash one dish on your way through the kitchen. If that’s all you do – hey, you’re one dish cleaner. But chances are you’ll find that once you’re over the initial hump, those dishes (or laundry, or emails, or whatever) will fly by once you’re in the mode. And the mode is easier to switch to if your initial cognitive commitment is just one unit.

Sometimes we feel so bad that we don’t even want to use the ladders we have available to get better. We’re too low to climb, even though climbing is what we need.

So don’t climb. Just rest against the ladder. Do the smallest thing. Sit on the bottom rung. When that little bit of energy comes, sit on the next one up.

You won’t stay low forever.

Most of us have stories in our past we’d like to forget.

Don’t.

Get the best story you can out of the experience. The best stories are cautionary tales anyway; learn a lesson. Pass it on. Let someone else benefit from your pitfalls, and bond a little while you’re at it. You don’t have to feel shame just because you had a long road to get to the person you are today. As long as you’re on that path, you should be proud.

If you have an illness, then it’s exactly that – something you have, not something you are. If you have a temper, that doesn’t mean you’re vile; it means you have something to work on. If you make mistakes, that doesn’t mean you are one.

The point is, we all layer guilt and identity onto our flaws, believing them to be the core of who we are. But if you’re thinking that, it means that there’s something even deeper: A person who wants to rise above those things, to grow as a person, to get better.

You can. You will. And people who love you will help, if you let them.

Rational arguments almost never work.

You hated reading that, I’m willing to bet. Most people do. In fact, most people have already tuned me out and the rest of this post won’t get past the angry barriers that went up as soon as you read that. Oh well! I’m writing it anyway.

Rational arguments – that is, attempting to sway someone to your position by providing and explaining evidence/details supporting that position – are one of the worst ways to convince someone of something. They’re a great way to teach, but teaching is rarely persuasive. To understand why, you have to understand the difference between teaching and arguing.

When you teach, there are explicit assumptions shared by you and the learner. Namely: Both you and the learner already agree that you’re correct, and the learner is starting with a relatively neutral or even slightly positive position relative to yours. They want to learn from you because they think you know the answer. That’s a good mental framework to start with when it comes to teaching, and it allows for a rational explanation of facts to reinforce the learner’s understanding of your position.

When you argue, that simply isn’t the case. You’re assuming you’re correct, and so is the other person. They aren’t approaching you with a student mindset, relatively neutral on position and respecting you as an authority. They think you’re a moron. Or they think you’re a clever, manipulative liar. The point is, they’re not sitting there open-minded and eager to be taught.

Worst case scenario is that they’re wrong, but they didn’t reach their wrong position because they’re perfectly rational but misinformed. They reached it because they’re highly motivated to believe it. And the best case scenario is that you’re wrong. Of course, you didn’t even consider that, which is why their rational arguments don’t work on you, either.

Assuming that you’re pretty confident that you’re position is the correct one, the way to win someone to your side isn’t trying to explain why they’re wrong. It’s to become their friend. And how do we become friends? Not by arguing! We become friends by listening, caring, and respecting.

So the next time you meet a morally corrupt idiot with the dumbest, most evil opinion you can imagine, remember that you have two rational choices. You can walk away, because that’s a perfectly valid approach. Or, if it’s important to you to at least try to win them over, you can do your best to befriend them.

Everything else is just scoring points with the people who already agree with you.

Sometimes you have to say “no” to someone you care about. You have to deny a child an expensive purchase they want. You have to turn down an employee who wants a promotion. Whatever it is, these scenarios are unavoidable sometimes.

Your job in this position is not to make the person feel bad for asking. Don’t shoot them down, punish them for asking, or make them feel like they don’t deserve the thing they asked for just because you can’t provide it right now. Your job is to make them feel excited about any outcome, to reinforce that you value not only who they are now, but the journey they want to be on.

You need them to feel like you also want them to get what they want, or you’re doing damage to their journey and relationship with them, which is the last thing you want. Your job isn’t to deliver disappointment. It’s to journey with them toward what they want!

Ah, the beginning of the worst season of the year: Heat Season.

You can always wear a jacket when it’s cold, but it’s hard to do anything to be cooler when it’s brutal outside. Except, you know, stay inside.

I love the outdoors, but someday I’m moving to the mountains in the north.

The best way to have a joyous experience as a team isn’t to split things 50/50 (or however the split works with whatever size team you have). It’s for everyone to give their all on the things they rock at. Don’t split the driving.