Today I had a heart-to-heart, man-to-man talk with one of my son’s friends. He’s a good kid; he’s a staple at my dinner table and backyard, and nary a day passes where he isn’t attached at the hip to my kids. But there had been a brief physical altercation between him and my son (this happened at another friend’s house in the neighborhood, whose mom contacted me to let me know). I spoke with my son about it to get the details, which involved the other child having a small outburst and laying hands aggressively on my son.

My son is quick to forgive and a good friend, so he accepted the apology offered immediately and thought no more of it. But I wanted to address the issue more directly, so I told this other young man that he’d have to have a chat with me before he was allowed back at the dinner table. He willingly obliged (see, I told you he was a good kid) and we talked.

We spoke about right and wrong, a little in how it relates to when it’s acceptable to use physical force (yes if you’re defending yourself or others, no if you’re angry at someone), but much more we talked about honesty. About how important it is to talk about your mistakes and to both give and expect trust to your circle. I told him that he’s in my circle, and that he’d always get honesty from me, and I expected it back from him. He shook my hand like a man and promised to do his best.

Then he told me: “I really miss my dad.”

Me too, kid. But you wouldn’t be the first stray to find a surrogate in the Roccia clan, and you won’t be the last.

We all ate dinner together, talking about our respective days, sharing stories and laughing.

He’s a good kid. He’ll be okay.

Very few things truly frighten me. It’s not that I’m invincible, it’s just that the world generally has two kinds of problems: Ones I can fix, and ones that can’t be fixed. The former I approach calmly, and the latter I do my best to accept with grace.

When my best friend got sick and it became clear he wasn’t going to get better, it broke my heart. But it didn’t frighten me. I knew I would be sad, devastated, along with all his other loved ones. But those are problems that can’t be fixed. You simply have to face them, holding whoever’s hand you can.

But there are a few things that put knots in my stomach and ice in my veins. One of them is the work I’ve put into my family being taken away by some outside force. I’ll still face those threats, but the looming idea of them chills me.

Wish me luck.

There are many activities that I enjoy solo. I love a good brain-challenging puzzle, I love reading or really diving deep into a new album, and I love wilderness backpacking.

There are also plenty of activities that I enjoy with a group. Going to movies or concerts, playing board games or RPGs, exploring a flea market or new restaurant.

My main difficulty is that I’m very bad at doing any of the “group” activities by myself, even though most of them are perfectly doable on my own. I know several friends who will go to the movies or to a concert by themselves, and it blows me away. I think it’s awesome, but I can’t seem to do it.

For me, the social connection is the point of those activities. I don’t just want to watch a movie, I want to discuss a movie with someone else who watched and was into it. That’s a big part of the joy for me, so leaving that behind feels like half an activity.

But it’s good for me to focus a bit on it, because being able to enjoy all of life by yourself is important. People are wonderful, but you need to be comfortable with the only company you’ll always have.

Apparently back in the 18th century, people would pour some of their coffee into the saucer that came with the coffee cup and then drink it out of there. Coffee was boiling hot, and you poured it into the saucer to cool it, which was considered more polite than the sort of slurping we modern folks do to mix it with air and cool it that way.

Anyway, sometimes I have hot thoughts. Positively boiling, in fact. I’ve learned it’s a very good idea to cool them. I make it a point to not talk about anything that’s upsetting me until the next day. Half the time, I’m not even upset the next day, which means I’ve cut down a lot on talking while frustrated. And when the temperature has dropped, if I’m still upset then I’m also more articulate. I’ve had time to think about what’s upsetting me and why, and I’m able to communicate that clearly and calmly.

“Sleep on it” has always been good advice. But having a plan and a method helps me to remember that. I’m not just waiting to get madder, later. I’m cooling off.

I love when people share their excitement with me. If someone tells me about a thing they care about and are jazzed up over, that’s them telling me that they want me in their world. It’s an expression of love and friendship, and I’m all about it.

Now, if someone is excited to tell you about something you’re jazzed up over? That person is giving a very strong signal that they care about you. A lot. They’re carving out part of their own world to hold your stuff in it, just to be connected. That’s as pure of a symbol of connection as any you’ll likely see.

When it happens, embrace it. Those people are rare.

Everyone useful to you is also trouble in some way. That’s part of the deal! Relish it, just keep the ratios right. If your landscaper occasionally chats your ear off for an extra ten minutes, that’s an easy deal to be happy with. If he sometimes robs your car, that’s not.

Your best guard dog might sometimes throw up on the floor. Your star employee might occasionally have a strong-willed conflict with one of your peers. Living beings aren’t robots. So don’t get frustrated – just be aware of the deals.

In the same way that many things other people do affect you, whether you like it or not, lots of stuff you do will affect other people. But these aren’t always anonymous, distant recipients! Often, the people closest downstream of you are the very people who are also upstream of you in their own way.

All this is to say, a lot of what happens in your life might not be directly influenced by you, but lots of it is indirectly influenced by what you do. Are you doing things to make the people around you better, or are they living in the toxic runoff from your actions? All in all, being surrounded by healthier, happier people is better for you – which makes it better for them, too.

Keep the waterwheel spinning.

Today, something incredibly unexpected and stressful happened to me. And in response, I did something I never used to do: I told two people right away.

It was marvelous. Both people were supportive, helpful, and kind. And my stress levels, while still higher than I liked, dropped significantly. I felt more able to handle the situation. It’s not something I couldn’t have handled before, but it would likely have done damage in other ways – I would have become irritable, pushed people away, lost progress on other things. Instead, I’m calmer about my plan, and closer to some loved ones.

Life will drop bombs on you sometimes. No avoiding it. You don’t have to leap on every grenade alone, either.

Imagine you painted a picture, but forgot you were wearing your sunglasses. Everything would look darker to you, causing you to make choices you wouldn’t make if you could see without the filter. When you were finished, you might even think it came out “too dark” and be unsatisfied with the result – but to others, the picture might look quite bright.

When you’re carrying a lot of stress or negative emotion and you’re holding it in, it doesn’t just make the world look darker to you. It also starts to affect how you can connect with others, creating a widening gap between you and those you interact with. You’re starting with different perceptions of the world and of your interaction. You aren’t seeing the same things, so your communication becomes harder to understand.

Removing negative emotion or stress isn’t as easy as taking off your sunglasses. But just letting the other person know that you’re in that place can do wonders for bridging that gap. They don’t need to know every detail if you don’t want to explain it, but just saying, “Hey, I’m having a bit of a rough day, don’t take anything personally if I seem like I’m not as high-spirited as you are today” can create a supportive, understanding environment where there might otherwise have been misunderstandings and confusion.

And if that gentle nudge opens up the invitation to talk more deeply? So much the better, that you might share the colors again.