My biggest boy is seven years old today. He’s got a heart of gold, nothing but kindness for everyone he meets. He bends over backwards to make his sisters and cousins laugh, he rescues everyone, and he makes friends instantly. He dreams big and loves bigger. He’s wild and active, an explorer and adventurer to his core. I couldn’t be more proud of the man I’m raising, every single day. Happy Birthday, my best Buddy.
No matter how good an approach is, you can think of an outlier example where it won’t work. You can always find the one odd exception. That doesn’t mean the approach is bad! 100% effectiveness isn’t the standard for improving your life.
Humor will keep someone interested in between places where the words themselves are. Deliver a message by delivering a punchline.
Let’s say you’re in charge of a project or team with a specific goal. Here’s an exercise to give you some incredible clarity and focus as you pursue your objective:
Imagine you have the ability to create a dashboard that gives you the answers, in real time and with perfect accuracy, to any five questions related to the project. What five questions would you plug in?
Here’s an example – I’ve recently started getting into Formula 1 racing. It’s neat! I still don’t know much at all about racecar engineering, driving strategy, etc. But if I was placed in charge of a team right now, I at least know what my goal is: To have one of my cars (every team gets 2) come in first place, and ideally to have both of my cars in the Top Two.
Without knowing anything else, what would I pick as my Top Five Questions? Probably:
With the answers to those five questions accurately displayed for me, I could start making strategic decisions about how our car is designed, how our racing strategy is deployed, et cetera. Now, obviously the actual decisions would be much better if made by someone with real experience, but I would at least not be flying (or driving?) blind.
Often in business, people with great and relevant experience are still letting themselves “fly blind” because they don’t know the answers to the most important questions affecting their project. I’ve met sales leaders who didn’t know how many pitches their salespeople were making. I’ve met project managers who didn’t know how many man-hours were being spent on their projects, or how many were available. I’ve met HR leaders who didn’t know the turnover rates or costs at their companies. It’s rampant, and it makes for poor decisions even if leaders have the relevant expertise to make good ones.
In order to make good decisions, you need to have the expertise and the data. And getting the right data starts with asking the right questions.
There is an art to getting into places, and it isn’t stealth or smooth-talking. It’s being unquestionable.
The best camouflage you can ask for is other people’s general indifference. The more people there are, the more indifference they tend to have. If you want to get into a building that you technically shouldn’t be in, you just have to look at the kind of people that walk in unhindered.
People with reflective vests, clipboards, ladders, or tools generally walk in anywhere. People also don’t tend to question people carrying pizza boxes. If you’re carrying a bouquet of flowers or a heavy potted plant, that’s usually good too. Especially if you look vaguely confused and/or bored.
Don’t try to come up with a story. Act mildly frustrated. If someone asks where you’re trying to go, just say, “Dude, I have no idea.” Nine times out of ten, the person will suggest a valid reason you might be there! Then just say, “You know what, probably? It’s been a day. Which way is that?”
Don’t be trouble, and trouble tends to avoid you.
(Worth noting: Use these skills only for good, people!)
If someone shows you something and asks, “Isn’t this cool,” they are not looking for you to say “yes.” What they’re looking for is you to escalate.
They don’t just want you to agree that the restaurant looks good; they want you to ask to go. They don’t just want you to agree that a movie clip seems rad; they want you to ask if you’ll show them the movie. They want positive escalation. They want you to want more, either because they want to engage more and want you to do it with them, or because they want to draw you further into their world.
This is true of friends, your children, a partner, even a professional colleague. If someone is showing you something and asking if you feel positively about it, that’s why they seem disappointed if you say “yes.” Because if you said, “not really,” then at least they’d get that you simply aren’t into that thing. But if you agree that it’s neat but don’t ask to engage further, they don’t get what they really wanted: you.
The larger the surface area, the better you can distribute the weight. Weight has constraints – not based on the material supporting it alone, but simply the ratio of weight per square inch as well.
If your burdens are heavy, spread them around. Give yourself more time, ask more people for help, or expand the ways you’ll deal with them. Give yourself more surface area, and your weights won’t weigh so much.
The worst vices to shake are the ones that don’t hurt anyone but yourself.
If you have a raging temper and frequently fly off the handle, that hurts people. While that’s bad, it does provide one benefit – when you try to shake that vice (as you should!), you’ll have lots of encouragement. You’ll have plenty of reminders if you falter, and hopefully at least some positive reinforcement as you grow.
But some vices only hurt your own body, mind, or soul. They don’t have obvious repercussions to the outside world, and so it’s far easier to justify the indulgence when you feel the urge to do so, whatever it might be.
I say “obvious” repercussions because truly, you’re always harming someone when you’re not your best self. If you aren’t everything you could be, then you’re not as present for the people you love. So use that as a framing. Imagine that you had to appoint another person to be the parent of your children, the friend of your closest companions, the spouse of your partner, the child of your parents – because you had to leave. If you were choosing the person who would take care of your loved ones in your stead, would you choose someone with your worst vice? Or would you choose someone who had a virtuous spirit?
Become the person you would appoint. Know the harm, and use that in your most vulnerable moments to stay strong.
Joy is not a project. It’s not a class you can ace or a race you can win. More joy comes from disaster with those you love than with success among those you don’t.
Have you ever cooked a meal with your family? If a joyous memory came to your mind, I can almost guarantee the memory had messes, burnt food, or disgusted but laughing faces. When you can feel so safe, so at home – you can mess up. And you can laugh, and find joy.
So don’t stress about a burnt roast, man. Let your heart fill with joy that you had anyone to cook with.
Have you ever had a “wild idea?” A crazy notion occurs to you – take a spontaneous trip to Fiji. Quit your job and join the circus. Marry the person you just met. Most of the time, people have these ideas and then quickly dismiss them because they think for two seconds. Occasionally, they go for them, usually with disastrous results.
But at the core of that idea was an impulse that, in your heart of hearts, was true. The trip to Fiji was a desire for adventure. Joining the circus is dissatisfaction with your current life path. Marrying a stranger is an expression of the desire to love and be loved. These aren’t bad impulses, and the ideas that bore them aren’t bad either – they’re just wild.
Some wild things should remain so. But some wild things can be tamed, and become a tremendous boon in your life. So if you find yourself wishing that you really could indulge in that wild idea, don’t just fantasize. Tame it a little. Maybe plan a trip to Fiji carefully, and then go and enjoy it! Maybe look for new jobs in whole new industries. Maybe ask that person you just met on an exciting date.
Let what’s wild grow into what serves your life.
The Opportunity Machine 