Underasking

A bad habit many people have is asking for help they don’t want.

We’ve all seen a social media post from someone starting off with “Am I wrong?” Then they detail a scenario in which they are obviously wrong, asking for someone to calmly tell them what the right path is. 99% of people will say, “Do the other thing, and apologize for the thing you did.” Maybe one other person will say, “You were right!”

And what happens? The original author gloms onto that one person, thanking them profusely for showing them that they were right all along, despite “all the haters.” They never wanted help – they wanted validation.

People do it in real life, too. Usually, if someone starts off a question with “now be honest…” the last thing they want is honesty. They’ll often argue if even the tiniest bit of the response deviates from what they’d hoped for.

Obviously, you shouldn’t do this. There’s not much more advice than that – be honest about what you want, and if you find yourself needing to ask for echo-chamber validation in order to be honest, take that as the sign that maybe you’re the one who needs to readjust. But what do you do if someone else asks you something this way (and you can’t just ignore it, as you can online)?

Try redirecting a little – positively. “Before I answer, can I ask you something? It sounds like you’re feeling a little nervous about asking me this question. Can I ask you why?” We don’t have to feed every bear that comes to our door. Sometimes the more productive conversation is the one underneath.