I find certain necessary activities to be very unpleasant. One of my least favorite activities is going into a store. Sometimes you have to go into one, but I never enjoy it. The lights, the atmosphere, the endless aisles of confusingly-organized stuff… ugh.

So to get through that experience, I go into what I call “monk mode.” This works best by myself, because a big part of it is sort of retreating into my own mind, letting my body do its thing on mostly auto-pilot while I let my brain think about other, more pleasant things. I walk out of the store with the stuff I need, having barely registered the experience.

This is a very useful ability, honed over many years. The ability to separate my higher and lower consciousness functions, letting my “higher mind” wander and enjoy itself while my more basic brain moves my body around to complete rote tasks is helpful in many situations. One drawback is that while my sensory perception can be managed by the lower brain, actual interaction with intention is only capable (so far) from my higher one. So if someone talks to me, my options are: respond like a dismissive jerk, or leave monk mode. Hence why I don’t like to go into stores with other people especially.

I’ve never really discussed this with anyone else – is “monk mode” something you do? Do you have some version of it? If so, what do you do?

A few nights ago, while my son (Age 7) was impressing me with his math skills, I gave him a little puzzle. I said, “Three squared equals nine. Four squared equals 16. 5 squared equals 25. What does ‘squared’ mean?” He asked a few follow-up questions and in short order had figured it out.

Tonight, while out at dinner, he asked me how to write ‘squared’ in an equation (his incorrect but very logical guess was that you actually drew a square). While writing it out, I gave him another little puzzle, shown in the picture. The only hint I gave him was that this was called “cubed” and wrote it out, wanting to see how he’d think about it.

With almost zero hesitation, he said, “Oh, 3 is one more than 2, so it must be one more times. So it’s 125.” Not only did he logic out what it meant with ease, but the actual equation was instant mental math for him.

My father once told me that I was about 7 or 8 when he realized that I was going to be smarter than him, and the great joy that brought him as a father. I don’t know if I ever actually lived up to that prediction, but now I certainly know the feeling.

One of the essential components for a genuine, proper apology is the promise to enact change. You can’t truly apologize if you don’t intend to change your behavior. It flows naturally from this axiom that you shouldn’t apologize for things you can’t change.

A simple example: Someone asks you to hand them something from a high shelf. You can’t reach it, so you can’t fulfill the request. When you tell the person that you can’t help them, even though you want to, don’t say “sorry!” There’s nothing to be sorry about – your height can’t change, ergo there’s nothing to apologize for.

And I know what you’re thinking: “I’m not apologizing for my height, but I’m expressing regret that I can’t help them,” blah blah blah. Look at the way those apologies creep into your language then! Look at the way you trick yourself into feeling responsible for the immutable conditions of the universe!

Now, sometimes there are things to apologize for that are related to things you can’t change. If you’re too short to reach the high shelf, that’s that. But if you’re constantly bugging other people to get things for you rather than storing those things on lower shelves or using a step-stool or some other solution, then you could definitely change something. Not your height, but your behavior. So if you find yourself saying, “Sorry I’m so short,” that’s a cop-out. You really should be apologizing for – and changing! – the fact that you aren’t taking agency over your own problems.

So don’t apologize for the universe. Instead, think of what you could change in response to it. Don’t be sorry – adapt!

I heard a cool new word from Swedish culture today, “fika.” It’s a neat little word for a neat thing: taking an intentional coffee and/or snack break to socialize and step away from whatever actual thing you’re doing.

That’s a neat concept, but it isn’t revolutionary. I joked that in South Jersey we have that too, but it’s called a “jeet yet?” (For those unfamiliar, it’s a joke about both the way it sounds when we quickly spit out the phrase “did you eat yet” as well as the fact that we use that basically as an open invitation to do anything together.)

What is revolutionary about it is naming it and being aware of the intention behind it. “Fika” isn’t just taking a break and eating. It’s shifting your mindset away from a task and onto socializing or building community. “Breaking bread” with someone, if you will.

Whatever language you use, do this more often. Build your relationships and your community. Take the time to breathe and eat together. Laugh. It’s as essential as the food itself.

I heard something very interesting today. I heard that for most people, the three main drivers of satisfaction at work are purpose, mastery, and autonomy. The ratios may change for the individuals, but those three things combined drive satisfaction far more than increases in money beyond “enough” or even pure status.

I find this compelling, though I’d love to see more data. I know that personally, being trusted with autonomy is a huge driver of my own satisfaction – I like a job about a thousand times more with it than without it, even if I was paid more, etc.

Definitely something to investigate further, because the implications of this for improving one’s own work satisfaction are staggering! If you have any data or anecdotes, please share!

It’s a fact of life that some of the things about you that are true sound like they’re not.

Certain kinds of stories become oft-exaggerated (or fully invented) by different kinds of people to the point where that kind of story loses credibility. Even if YOU have never exaggerated that kind of story, you suffer from the sins of your demographic.

You can’t necessarily solve this, but you can absolutely be aware of it and plan around it. Young men make up “tough guy” stories. Middle-aged women make up “customer service worker was rude to me” stories. Old folks make up “things were better in the past” stories. None of this is news.

But sometimes those stories are true. And more importantly for you, sometimes your version of that story is not only true, but a necessary component of getting some particular action to take place.

Here’s an example: Let’s say you’re a middle-aged woman and a customer service worker really was exceptionally aggressive to you and even ruined something of yours to the point where a complaint to the management is necessary in order to recoup your lost money. If you’re self-aware, the first thing you need to do is be aware of the fact that on the surface, your story lacks credibility.

It doesn’t matter that this is the first time you’ve ever “complained to the manager” in your life. What matters is that the stereotype exists, and before you have any opportunity to be an individual you are that stereotype, at least in the eyes of the people you need to complain to. So don’t have it in your head that you will be automatically believed at face value and that it’s an insulting absurdity if you aren’t.

The next thing you need to do is buck the stereotype in as many other ways as you can. In this case, that means being very kind and even-tempered when you speak with the manager. It means not throwing around insults and sticking to observable facts. It means asking for assistance rather than demanding reparations. This might be hard to do! But remember, your goal is getting what you want, and that goal is furthered by understanding what it takes to have your story be believed.

Be self-aware about the uphill battle. Buck the stereotypes of your story as much as you can. And be humble and kind when you tell it. If you want the best chance of being believed, this is the way.

If you eat a slice of pizza and it tastes bad, what’s your first thought? Is it, “This is a bad slice of pizza?” Or is it, “All pizza is bad?”

It might seem absurd to think that all pizza is bad based on a single slice, but what if it was the first slice of pizza you’d ever had? Or what if it was the second or third slice, but it was really bad, and the first couple had just been mediocre?

Imagine someone thinking that all pizza is bad based on that one slice, and then deciding to Google something like “stories of people hating pizza” in order to see if their suspicions are true. Sure enough, they find some stories of other people hating pizza! Vindication!

Look, here are two truths: You can always find a bad example of something, and “one” is not a statistically significant sample size. Don’t generalize from the worst example you seek out.

This past weekend, I did a bunch of stuff I’ve never done before. I saw a play on Broadway! I ate a kind of food, taramosalata, that I’d never even heard of before. I even committed a new crime – I bought some counterfeit goods at a bazaar that got raided while I was there, which was a fun little adventure.

The point is, you haven’t seen it all. I’m an old man, and there’s still plenty of trouble to get into, plenty of adventures, lots of life yet to live. Today is my grandmother’s 94th birthday. I’ve known her my whole life, and today while we were chatting she told me stories about her life I’d never heard before. She knew John D. Rockefeller, Jr.! Wild!

There’s so much awesome stuff out there. Until the last breath leaves your lungs, you won’t be done finding new things. Enjoy!

There is a maximum number of modern adults that you can regularly get to the same place at the same time. This is not an inconsequential fact! Lots of projects, hobbies, cultural practices, etc. want a certain number of people in the same place at the same time, and it’s a fact that you can do that more easily if the target number is “two” as opposed to “seven.”

The larger point: Don’t build too much of your life around the assumption that X other people don’t have anything else to do but YOUR thing. You might imagine the dream team at your job for a particular project, but some of them have conflicts, and the higher the value for X, the more likely that is.

Keep the groups lean when you can!

No matter how clever you are, you can always get more insight by talking to someone else. That person doesn’t have to be especially clever or inventive themselves, either! They just have to be willing to chat with you about whatever problem you’re trying to solve.

Our ideas thrive and grow when used and tested. The more you can throw them out there and get someone’s thoughts on them, even random ones, the more your own creative process is triggered. New ideas and concepts explode like fractals when they touch the surface of your own mind, which can grow still and stagnant when thinking about one thing too long.

If you’re struggling with something, just chat it out to almost anyone. A random stranger in a coffee shop can be the catalyst you need.