Imposed Villainy

Some people’s own personal narrative requires you to be the villain in their story. More than anyone else, these are going to be the hardest people to deal with in the world.

They will be the most unreasonable, the hardest to communicate with, and the most resilient to any efforts you make, no matter how genuine, to bridge the gap. That’s because they’re not after anything external; they’re after a world that makes sense and paints them as the hero. And they already have that, as long as you’re the villain.

That means that attempts you make to do nice things actually work against you (at least in terms of your relationship with people like this) because it makes them mad.

Consider an employee of a company who feels like his lot in life is miserable because he has a greedy, villainous boss. In his mind, his personal narrative, he’s an oppressed but noble hero who would be able to accomplish amazing things if only “the man” wasn’t keeping him down. His lot in life certainly can’t have anything to do with his own choices and actions, no – in order to accept that, he’d also have to accept all sorts of responsibility and he’d be staring at the reality of needing to change core behaviors and even beliefs.

Ugh, no way. Far easier – far more satisfying – to paint the boss as the villain and be emotionally satisfied.

Now let’s say this boss is a genuinely good guy and doesn’t want his employee to think of him as a villain. So he gives the employee a raise, offers some extra leadership opportunities, has open-door policies for feedback, etc.

The result is that the employee, if they’re deeply committed to their personal narrative, get’s madder. They’ll project or deflect, they’ll get irrationally angry, and they’ll assume nefarious ulterior motives for these acts – all because they can’t accept that the boss isn’t a villain. Their entire sense of identity requires them to be oppressed, so they simply can’t accept that they aren’t.

Students who think they’re only failing a class because their teacher is “out to get them,” people who claim their exes were “toxic” and wholly responsible for the relationship’s troubles, or members of a political group who think that the world would be sunshine and rainbows if not for the other side – all of these people might fall into this category.

Now, it isn’t guaranteed, of course. Some teachers really do target specific kids, some exes really are toxic jerks, and some politicians really are nefarious scoundrels. But the narrative is too easy, too satisfying, too neat to be true in every case.

What this means for you is: if you find yourself being painted as somebody else’s personal villain, it’s important to first do some introspection. Don’t get too defensive and swing the other way, falling into the same trap. Check with (for example) your other employees, in whatever way you can that gets you the most honest answers – do they also think of you this way? Or do 19 members of your team think you’re a stand-up guy? This matters – just as the problem isn’t automatically you, it isn’t automatically them, either.

But once you’ve got sufficient evidence that you’ve simply become the bad guy in someone else’s fantasy, you’ve got to see the situation for what it is. If you can simply cut ties with that person, do it. It’s the best outcome. If you can’t, then you have to give yourself emotional distance – give them as little as you possibly can, and understand the invalidity of their thoughts about you.

Lastly, and most important, don’t try to change them. Don’t try to teach them personal responsibility or convince them that you’re not the bad guy; there couldn’t be a more futile effort. Just life your life as best you can with the good guys.