There’s a really hilarious sight gag from The Simpsons, and I’m going to use it to illustrate a point:

If someone ended up eating rat poison at this community center… whose fault is it? And is that really a good question?

Here’s a simpler version. Let’s say you accidentally put salt in a recipe that called for sugar, and the resulting food was inedible. That’s your fault, right? After all, you made the mistake. But what if your roommate put both sugar and salt in identical, unlabeled glass jars?

Fault is fuzzy. What matters more is why – because “why” is how we get to something not happening again. Assigning blame doesn’t make the sugar easier to distinguish from the salt in the future.

What you often need to do is move upstream from the accident to what’s called the “latent error.” The systemic cause of the accident, baked into the system. If a busy intersection has poor sight-lines and no traffic light, then accidents are inevitable. Figuring out who’s to blame in each individual accident isn’t nearly as useful as realizing that the very structure of the intersection is largely the cause of the accidents, and fixing it.

So don’t rush to blame, even yourself – and don’t rush to defend, either. Move back a few steps, and figure out what to change about the system. Don’t put the candy-shaped rat poison next to the candy in the first place!

“That person is so good at that. I wish I was good at it, too!”

How often have you thought this? It’s a pretty universal feeling, I think. We’ve all admired someone’s talent and felt a little envious. But often our envy could be put to positive use if only we directed it at the right thing!

See, when we look at someone else’s talent, it’s usually not the talent itself we’re envious of – it’s the results. If I look at a star basketball player and feel envious, it’s not truly skill at basketball I wish I had; it’s fame, fortune, attention. And that’s important, because I’m not ever going to be a talented basketball player. But if I actually wanted fame and fortune, there are ways for me to achieve that goal!

So instead of saying “I wish I could do that,” ask yourself what results you’re seeing that you really want, and then ask yourself what the best path for you to achieve those results is, given your own talents and ambitions. You’ll spend more time productively planning and being yourself, which are always good results to see!

I heard someone say recently that someone “wasn’t their boss,” and therefore they didn’t actually need to listen to them. It reminded me of when kids get told to do something by an adult and they respond with something like, “you’re not my dad.” And I thought: What would be the difference if it was your boss? Or your dad?

Here’s the truth: You don’t have to listen to them, either.

Obeying anyone is a bargain; an exchange you make willingly. There are benefits for obedience and/or consequences for disobedience and you’re weighing all of those against your desire to do something other than what you’re told. Very often, the best course of action will be to go along – especially in the case of your father (assuming he’s a good one!) or your boss (assuming you like the job!). But that won’t always be true, and you should remember that it’s always an exchange, even when the authority figure in question would much rather you simply kowtow reflexively.

Authority is built on this sleight of hand. You “have to” obey. When the authority in question has really dire consequences to mete out or really impressive rewards to withhold, they’ll be quick to say so, but not to bargain – to reinforce the idea that you “have to” obey. Because in general, authority doesn’t want you in the habit of questioning the deal. Sometimes the deal won’t be in the authority’s favor.

Today I introduced my younger children to the card game “Bullshit.” If you’ve never played it, it’s basically an entire game about lying about what cards you play, and calling each other out. (The kids had a blast being allowed to say the word – only while playing the game, of course.)

Lying is an important skill. Vital, even. Because only by knowing how to lie – practicing it, being good at it – can you start to develop an intuitive sense of when other people are lying to you. Those two skills go hand in hand. And since other people will lie to you in your life, being able to – accurately – call bullshit is an essential survival skill.

Stuff is great, and people who do stuff are awesome!

Today I went to the largest flower show in the country (world?). I did not previously know it existed, because “flowers” are not a primary interest of mine. And you know what? I had an absolutely awesome time.

The displays were incredible! There were so many plants, and so many people eager to answer any questions I had about them – and I had many! Everyone wanted to talk about their cool thing they were doing, and it was all great. People laughed and complimented each other. There were lots of people making things. I had so much fun I didn’t even get to do everything I wanted before the closing of the show!

My kids sometimes ask me if my job is fun, and I steal a line from comedian Dave Chappelle: “No, my job is work. I’m fun.” That’s the secret – all stuff is great. It’s just that you’re either the kind of person that can have fun in an circumstance, or you’re not. If you need specific stuff to be happy, you should try to change that. There’s so much stuff! So much fun! Don’t limit yourself to only a little slice. The world is too cool.

They say “there’s no such thing as bad publicity,” but I’m not sure if that’s true anymore. The ability for an audience to impact a company is much stronger now than before. 50 years ago, it was harder to individuals to coordinate displeasure and turn it into a concentrated laser; their options if something was bad was just to not engage with or buy it, basically. And that would be overshadowed by the people who became aware of the brand because of the publicity, bad or no.

But now – well, we’ve entered a new golden age of backlash. People who have never bought your product and never would have can certainly come object to whatever your company did this week to make people upset, even if those people weren’t your intended audience in the first place. It blows over quickly, but some damage can definitely be done.

Don’t go stirring the pot just to stir it. Respect of your audience goes a long way, and we’re definitely entering an era where reputation matters more than ever.

Is it better to release stress, block it in the first place, or channel it?

I think a lot of happiness comes from “living below your means,” where “means” is not just money, but overall stress. If having four weekly activities stresses you out but having three doesn’t, then cut one of those activities, even if you enjoy all of them in a vacuum.

Don’t plant what you can’t harvest, you know? Living a life you can swing is better than a “better” life that you have to spin plates to maintain.

So I think that’s the best use of stress – as a warning system. If you’re feeling it, then it’s time to look at what needs to get cut out of your life for the betterment of the rest of it.

“Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.”

Man, Yoda sure said it. I hate the concept of “trying,” especially when it’s applied to something that you’re absolutely doing a terrible job at. Sometimes I watch someone just positively slam their head into a brick wall over and over, and when I point out that they’ve once again failed to get through and ask if they need help, they just get frustrated and yell, “I’m trying!”

Here’s why I hate that use of the phrase: To me, the central element of “trying” is “attempting to succeed.” Doing something you already know doesn’t work, but doing it harder, isn’t attempting to succeed. You see someone forget their glasses every morning, causing everyone to be late in the carpool because they have to turn around and get them. The rest of the group admonishes them for forgetting again, and they say, “I’m trying to remember!” Sure… but you won’t remember. We’ve established that. On Day 2, we figured out that you relying on your brain to instruct you of the need for your glasses at the appropriate time isn’t a successful strategy. So… what did you do differently on Day 3? Did you set an alarm on your phone for 3 minutes before you leave that says “Glasses?” Did you buy an extra pair to keep in your work bag? Did you ask your partner to start putting them on top of your keys the night before? Or… did you just “try” to remember them again?

If you angrily claim “I’m trying,” in response to criticism of your results, then I have news for you: you’re not trying. You’re doing the opposite, in fact. You’re being lazy about achieving results, because getting better results would require you to make a change that, however small it might be, you’re too lazy or stubborn to make.

Our brains are flawed machines. When they don’t do what we want, we have to work around them. That’s attempting to succeed. Anything else is just trying my patience.

When you have to start something at a certain time, your brain starts doing all the work of figuring out when you have to stop doing whatever you were doing before, based on how long the changeover will happen. So if I have to be at work at 8:00 AM, that doesn’t mean I can set my alarm for 7:59. The process of changing from “asleep, in my bed” to “at work, ready to be productive” involves plenty of steps, and it’s part of my job to figure out how long those steps take.

But this is true for pretty much everything. If I want to go to dinner with my friend at 6, I need to know the changeover process from “watching a movie,” or else I won’t get to finish it (or I’ll be late to dinner). This whole thing is why people get stuck in that loop where they have an appointment at 4 PM, so the whole day is shot; they can’t properly assess what a novel, unique changeover process looks like. And especially if you’re trying to do multiple things, then for each thing, your brain is re-doing the changeover calculations.

Deep work helps! It’s easier on the brain to do 1 thing for 8 hours than to try to do 5 different things in that same time period. You’ll lose a lot of time to the changes themselves, and your brain will have to run this whole subroutine to move from one to the other.

Deep work, routines, and acceptance of lost hours when they happen – these are the ingredients to a low-stress day!

I have been a father for fourteen years today.

Fourteen years ago, this tiny little bean dropped into my life. I was laughably unprepared, as we all are. But I had the greatest support system in the world, and in that fine, fine garden my little bean grew.

Now, my mighty Beanstalk is as capable, charming, clever, curious, and creative as any in her generation. She is a marvelous young woman, and I am proud of her every single day.

Happy birthday, my love. You have made me better with your own perfection, and I am grateful for every second with you.