Don’t ask permission to try things. In most cases, you’re better off if you just try the thing, even if you fail. Learn on your own terms, don’t waste a bunch of time looking for someone to say “no” to you. Better to seek forgiveness than permission if you want to achieve anything!

A funny sign of good leadership is that everything can seem worse, at first.

I’ve heard this from many leaders – when they start really putting in the effort to improve their team dynamics, suddenly it seems like there’s nothing but problems. They panic, thinking they’ve caused all sorts of issues with their new leadership style.

But what’s actually happening is much, much better. Those problems were already there, but now their team isn’t hiding them anymore! The team is willing to share feedback, expose issues, and even complain. That can seem scary, but remember: the alternative isn’t the absence of those problems. The alternative is that those problems fester until they cause disaster, and you never knew because your team didn’t have the trust and rapport necessary to work on them in the light.

Trust can be scary, but the very point of it is to get those issues out in the open where they can be solved. No team is perfect, so if you think yours is, that just means that all the messy stuff is being hidden from the scary boss.

I am a big proponent of “learning out loud,” showing your process, and inviting feedback. It’s a great way to learn faster and to showcase that you’re learning at all. This week I delivered a leadership development seminar with a co-facilitator, and I trialed a new method I’d developed for getting diverse audience participation.

At some point during the seminar, my co-facilitator told everyone that the organizational method we were using was a trial run, an experiment that I’d designed, and this was our first time using it. I felt myself gasp! My secrets! But I quickly realized – this was exactly what I said to do!

And wouldn’t you know it – because everyone then knew it was an experiment, they gave me a lot of (positive!) feedback on it that they wouldn’t have otherwise. I got a lot of great insights that will be very helpful in iterating the process!

It was two great reminders. One, always learn out loud. And two, take my own advice!

Few things are as satisfying as convincing a skeptic not to blindly believe you, but to commit to an experiment. To open their minds to a possibility. And then to watch the experiment prove you right.

As an adult, you should ask the same questions of “can’t” that too many adults tell children NOT to ask.

“You can’t do that.” Why not? Who said? Why did they say that? When will I be able to?

We think kids are being petulant, but asked with genuine curiosity those are exactly the questions you need answered if you want to turn “can’t” into “did.”

Responsibility, not caution, is what earns trust. Imagine two neighbors each ask to borrow a tool from you. One neighbor is extremely cautious with your tools, definitely beyond a reasonable amount. But accidents happen no matter how cautious you are, and one time this neighbor broke a power tool he borrowed. Because of his claims of being extremely cautious, however, he claimed that the accident “wasn’t his fault” – and therefore he should have no obligation to replace your tool.

The other neighbor uses tools in the normal way. Over the years, he’s broken three of your tools; each time unintentionally of course, but these things happen. He replaced each one immediately with an equivalent or better model, without having to be asked, and delivered them to you promptly, always with a small extra token of gratitude & apology, like a meal or a six-pack or something.

Which neighbor do you actually want to lend the tools to?

It’s not about being cautious. It’s about being responsible. Accidents happen that are nobody’s fault, but they’re still someone’s responsibility. If you take the responsibility along with whatever favors you ask, you’ll find your font of favors will always be full. And if you don’t, it runs dry quickly, no matter how “careful” you are.

If you tell someone that they drive more recklessly because they have an airbag and seatbelt, they’ll loudly object. And they aren’t lying, per se: they definitely don’t perceive themselves as being less cautious just because they have those safety features. But ask them a different question: “If I disabled your airbag and seatbelt before you had to take a drive through busy traffic, would you be more careful?”

The point is this: Everyone behaves the way they do because of what they (consciously or unconsciously) perceive to be the costs & benefits, the risks & rewards, of doing so. They don’t always like knowing about it, but they do. Change the conditions, and you’ll change the behavior.

Knowing this formula, changes in behavior are easy to predict, even if people get really mad at you for predicting it. So hey, keep it to yourself – but act accordingly.

I love the concept of “failure as a resource.” Engineering your attempts so that they’re always giving you information or skill or something, even if they don’t get you to the goal on that attempt. There’s so much to be learned by flipping the wrong switch!

There’s a strategy to it. Setting up the failures that will reveal the most information first, for example. Being prepared to track results so you don’t have to re-tread failed ground.

Whatever you do, get closer to the lightbulb. Then it’s never a failure: it’s a resource!

A little rain? Bah! Won’t stop us from our first fire of the season – the kids all came hungry, undeterred by weather. We roasted hot dogs and s’mores and I watched with great glee as children laughed and played and experimented and learned. Together, outside. They weren’t forced; in fact, they were unstoppable. Darkness fell and still they called out and played. They earned their rest with play, rain be damned.

The world is in good hands.

Sometimes I see people roll their own cigarettes. I asked a person who did this if they liked them better. They said (surprisingly to me) that it was the same when smoking them more or less, and not especially cheaper, either. But they enjoyed the ritual. Plus, they said, as an added bonus they smoked fewer of them overall because of the extra effort.

What struck me is that they separated those two benefits. But really, those are the same thing. The point of ritualizing something is to add consideration to it – both during and before, when you’re deciding if you’re willing to put in the effort.

Making yourself food is slower than getting takeout, but that’s the point. If it’s healthier or cheaper than takeout, it’s because you slowed down to do it. To take time to involve yourself in the process. To think about it more deeply.

The actual added benefit is that the rest of your life gets pushed away for a bit. While you’re rolling a cigarette or cooking a meal, that’s what you’re doing – not answering emails or scrolling your phone. You’re just present in the act of doing something for yourself.

Take the time and do it more. It’s good to slow down and smell the cooking.