The best forms of leadership don’t always look good to other leaders.

Being a good listener, a provider of resources, or a highly trusting person can seem like they aren’t “active leadership” when your peers are looking. But that’s a status game you shouldn’t play. The best forms of leadership, like the best forms of decision-making in general, often involve less being more.

It’s interesting how things feel rude based on vestigial concerns.

Why is it rude to wear a hat indoors? A long time ago, knights removed their helmets to identify themselves and demonstrate that they weren’t impostors. I don’t know about you, but even on the rare occasion where I do wear a hat, it’s not a full-face metal helmet that obscures my identity. So why is it rude to keep it on? People say things like “Oh, it shows that you might be in a hurry to leave,” but that fails on two fronts. One, I might be in a hurry to leave, but that isn’t necessarily rude depending on the context. But more importantly, that feels like hollow justification. It seems like wearing hats inside was rude, and when the reason for it to be rude disappeared, people came up with new reasons for the same thing to be rude just so they could keep the same rules of etiquette.

Smoking, once ubiquitous, has fallen out of fashion. If you light up a cigarette in someone’s company in pretty much any context, it might be considered rude. If you’re in a shared public space such as an office, restaurant, bus, etc. then lighting a cigarette subjects other people to foul smells that can linger for days. That’s certainly rude in my book!

But now consider the age of virtual meetings. 99% of my business is conducted from my own home over a series of video conferences with people all across the globe. I don’t smoke, but if I chose to while I was working, it would affect no one but me. My colleagues could see it, but they couldn’t smell it. It wouldn’t affect them in any way. But some casual conversation with folks elicited exactly the responses I suspected: People can’t put their finger on why, but they still instinctively think of it as rude.

The rules of etiquette become subconscious. They burrow into our culture and stay there, even when they no longer connect to any meaning within that culture. Of course, some of the rules still make a lot of sense – cover your mouth when you cough, people. But that makes it all the harder to separate the ones that don’t.

It’s worth examining because outdated notions of rudeness build up as cultural barriers. A culture that never had knights might not care if you wear hats indoors, and therefore they might think nothing of keeping their headwear on at your dinner party. You might think they’re rude, but they don’t have an unkind intention in their heart – just a fancy hat on their head.

You can do absolutely anything. Here’s what you need:

1. A very accurate schedule that you adhere to diligently. All tasks can be accomplished if they’re given their proper time, and that time is defended.
2. Good tools. If your tools are clean and well-organized, and you have the right ones, all projects come together.
3. Friends. At least one; the more the merrier.

That’s it. If you’re looking at a seemingly impossible task, check this list first. Gather those things. If you have them, you can do it. And you’ll be amazed how good you feel just checking these off.

Someday great tragedies become children’s costumes. We can feel them now, and still be okay giving them to the great expanse of the future. All things pass to dust, and it isn’t always bad.

25 is coming back to your parents, hat in hand, to say “It’s harder than I thought,” and finally truly asking for advice.

30 is admitting that even happened, and dropping the false story you told yourself that it was for some other reason, not because your parents had wisdom to give that you needed.

40 is understanding that wasn’t shameful, it was wonderful. Not everyone has those parents to go back to.

How you start the game is as important as how you finish it. There’s opportunity for style and strategy, intensity and integrity. There’s a chance for you to set great things in motion.

Give it your all.

Take it one leg at a time, and you can go any distance. Stretch your legs when you need to. Range is unlimited, even if you need to rest for the night.

Plans change. Life changes. Sometimes your routine is disrupted. Sometimes you’re the one disrupting it, for good reason.

The fact that plans will almost never go according to themselves is no reason not to make them.

Use the default. Have a standard deviation, something to measure. A mean to regress to. Deviations aren’t chaos, they’re information. And they can be rewarding. But the plan is still the plan.

There’s a truly terrible negotiation technique that people routinely use. It’s not only awful for negotiation, it’s awful for your soul.

Here’s how it plays out: Person A attempts to initiate a transaction. Person B shows the tiniest, slightest bit of hesitation. Person A then immediately – and unprompted – drops their prices.

Mike: “Hey, would you like to buy this bike for $100?”
Mary: “Well, I don’t really…”
Mike: “50 bucks!”

First and foremost, the second you drop your price without some sort of actual transaction, you immediately lose all credibility. It sounds like your initial price was an inflated lie. So why should I trust your new price? Every word out of your mouth is suspect now, and I certainly won’t trust your valuation of whatever you’re trying to sell.

Second, most people do this before they even know what the objection is! Heck, some people do it before they even get an objection, like Mike. When someone doesn’t want to agree to your deal, sometimes it’s about the price. Often it’s about trust, or need, or rapport, or some qualifying consideration that has nothing to do with the nominal price range. If someone doesn’t want your bike at $100, there’s only a tiny chance that they’ll want it at $50 – and you’ve reduced the odds that they’ll trust you enough to buy it at any price by pulling that move.

Lastly, this is just so damaging to your own self-worth. Understand that I’m not just talking about selling bikes here. “Price” can mean a lot of things. Consider this similar interaction between Mike and Mary:

Mike: “Hey Mary, want to go see a movie with me on Friday?”
Mary: “Well, I don’t really…”
Mike: “It doesn’t have to be a movie! Anything you want!”

It’s the same thing. Mike attempted to initiate a transaction – the two of them, hanging out. Mike’s “price” was willingness to see a movie, presumably because he wanted to. The second Mike sensed hesitation, he dropped his price – from “willingness to see a movie” to “willingness to do anything at all.” If Mike and Mary are friends, then he’s devaluing himself by immediately dismissing his own wants. Just like with the hundred-dollar price tag of the bike, he’s saying that his own valuation of how much he’s worth was an inflated lie that even he didn’t believe and that crumbled under the slightest wind.

When the other person turns you down, your internal thought process sounds something like this: “Jeez, even though I dropped my prices, they didn’t buy. That means that even my lowered price was too high, so whatever I have to offer must be worth even less than I thought.” And that’s a bad thing to think about a bike – and much worse to think about yourself.

The reality is that they didn’t turn you down because of your price. They turned you down because that negotiation “technique” ruins your credibility and rapport. It makes you seem like a desperate liar, and no one wants to buy a bike from someone they perceive to be a desperate liar. They don’t want to go to the movies with them, either.

Now, that’s not to say you can’t ever negotiate your prices. But that’s different! If someone offers you $75 for the bike after you say it’s $100, then maybe you can haggle. If someone tells you that they’re not into the movies this week, but they’re willing to treat you if you grab a burger instead, then we’re in business. Negotiating your price isn’t the same as dropping your price. Negotiating is a win/win. Dropping your price is a lose/lose.