As obvious as it might seem, it’s important to differentiate cause and effect. Aspects of a system emerge from the properties of the elements of that system, not the other way around.

If you have a chunk of ice, it’s because the temperature of the individual molecules of water within that chunk is low enough for the whole mass to become solid. But if you want the individual molecules of a bucket of water to get colder, you can’t accomplish that by trying to hold the water into a solid shape. In other words, you can’t generate the cause by trying to artificially generate the effect.

Shared incentives are vital. All people have different wants and needs, different desires and goals. The key to a well-functioning team isn’t complementary skills or superior organization. Those things are important, but not the most vital ingredient. The essential element is a shared incentive to succeed.

As a leader of any kind of group, that’s your number one priority. Find the thing that everyone wants. If you have to create it, so be it. But there must be a reason for the band to assemble, or you’re sunk before you’ve begun.

Mark your heroes by their sweat. Heroism, in all its true forms, is work.

When you’re on the more “in demand” side of a transaction, the natural thing to do is put up filters. If you’re posting a job, the entire process is one big filter – designed to get you to the person you want in the role. If you’re a young adult woman posting on a dating site, you’re trying to filter down to the person you find most desirable. If you’re a Dungeon Master who wants to fill a table with geeks for some D&D, you want to filter down to the 3-5 or so that will contribute the best vibes to the campaign.

In all of these cases, people consistently make two major mistakes. More accurately, it’s one major mistake with two distinct sides.

The first (side of the) mistake is this: You can’t get what you want out of life through filtering alone. I can take a pool of job applicants and filter out all but the best one, sure. But the best candidate from that pool might still be a terrible fit, if I didn’t get the right people into the pool to begin with! If your dating strategy is “I will reject all losers,” that’s good – but how are you making sure people other than losers are trying to date you in the first place? You need to hang a little bait out there, is what I’m saying. Your side of the transaction needs to be an example the other party wants to compete for.

The other side of this mistake is all the unintentional filtering we do. If you post a public job ad with a huge list of requirements and qualifications, then in addition to who you want to filter out, you’re also filtering out people who have those qualifications but don’t want to work for unrealistically demanding bosses. If you loudly and publicly shame “losers” who try to date you, then you’re also filtering out people who simply find that attitude distasteful.

(By the way, none of this is a direct criticism of anyone’s choice in criteria for any personal or professional relationship they choose to engage in. Everyone is different, and you do you! I’m just saying to be aware of how you do it because unintended consequences may be working against the very goal you’ve set, whatever it is.)

In sales & marketing, we have this term, “top of the funnel.” That’s the term for everyone who initially engages with your sales & marketing process – so all the people who first engage with a company’s social media might be that company’s “top of the funnel.” Some people won’t make it further and some will, such as clicking on a link within a post, then visiting multiple pages on a website, then buying a product; in this way the “funnel” narrows. At every step, you’re trying to filter even customers; you want to qualify them as being the right customer for you, as being interested, and so on.

But every sales & marketing professional knows a fundamental truth: You want the top of the funnel to be wide open. You’re not trying to gatekeep who can see your initial advertising! Ultimately, you want a large, welcoming pool if you’re seeking a specific individual and don’t know where they are yet.

So throw open your initial gates. Lower the barrier to entry a little, meet some new people, have those initial conversations. They don’t have to go farther than that, but there are some real diamonds in the rough out there. You never know who’s getting caught in the filter that you would wish hadn’t.

When I give advice, one thing will always be true: The advice that I’m giving is meant for the person who asked for it. If you ask me what you should eat for dinner, I won’t tell you what I think people should eat for dinner. I’ll consider what I know about you, what I know about the kind of day you’ve had, and I’ll ask you questions to further clarify. In the end, whatever suggestion I make will be for you, and you alone.

I mention this because I’ve noticed that other people… don’t always do this.

If I ask a friend what movie I should watch, often I’ll get an answer like “A lot of people are talking about [insert current popular movie here].” Or in a discussion with other parents about child-rearing, someone might respond to my question about a specific scenario with, “Too many parents don’t discipline their children enough.”

Part of the information I use to evaluate courses of action is how popular a particular course of action is. Often so I can run (or advise to run) the other way! If the answer to “What’s the best route to get to the beach?” is “Take Main Street,” then Main Street is likely very crowded and jammed on sunny summer days. So even if that’s the “best route,” it might not be the best route for me, specifically, today.

I’m not interested in getting “general advice,” nor in giving it. When I’m talking to you, I’m talking to you.

All hardships pass. It can be helpful to remember that nothing lasts forever. And I mean really remember, by putting a time on it.

This is a technique I’ve used my whole life. Whenever I was suffering, physically or emotionally, I would stop and think about when that suffering would end. If you don’t stop to think about it, it’s easy to just feel like the pain will last forever, but it won’t!

If you break your leg, you’re probably in a lot of pain. Then you might also feel depressed because of limited ability, and all sorts of spiraling can happen from there. So look at a calendar. Say, “The doctor says I’ll be out of the cast in four weeks, and then need about four more weeks of light therapy to get back to full strength, so on July 15th, all this will be behind me.” July 15th (or whenever it is) isn’t that far away!

If you’re stressed because you’re a new parent, know that the “struggle years” are few, and before you know it you’ll be longing for the days when they woke you up in the middle of the night because they had a bad dream. If you’re frustrated with the job hunt, know that statistically, it won’t be more than a few months, and even the hardest are rarely more than a year. If you’re sick, ask your doctor how long symptoms usually last, rather than wallowing in the pain of today.

Live in the moment when the moment is good. When the present is painful, the future isn’t far away.

It is almost always a mistake to base your views on what you should do in some far-fetched “what if” scenario. It is always a mistake to base your views on what other people should do that way.

You’ve thrown on some ratty jeans and an old t-shirt to pop down to the corner store for a coffee, and a friend expresses disapproval: “What if you were going on a job interview? Would you dress so slovenly?”

Probably not? Because I’m not going to a job interview; I’m going to the corner shop for some coffee. Treat the world as it is, and make your own plans.

And don’t worry about what other people do.

There is often a great volume of pain behind kindness.

Of all the ways to respond to tragedy, the best is this: Remove it from the world. If I take a bullet for someone, I’m not then trying to dig that bullet out of me, load it into a gun, and fire it into the next person. Should I ever find myself in that situation, my goal is to stop the bullet.

We have the choice to do that every day. When the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune strike you, be glad of this: Those slings and arrows were going to strike someone, and they struck someone with the fortitude to survive it and the strength to end their path right then and there. The world is kinder because you turned to the next person not with a loaded weapon, but with a kind smile.

There is a subtle but great joy in doing something once, and then immediately doing it again just a little better. Like standing at the beginning of a long and fulfilling journey and catching a glimpse of the long arc of the road ahead. You enrich yourself each time you beat a personal best, and striving for such things in your endeavors is the mighty human spirit at work.