Is it better to release stress, block it in the first place, or channel it?

I think a lot of happiness comes from “living below your means,” where “means” is not just money, but overall stress. If having four weekly activities stresses you out but having three doesn’t, then cut one of those activities, even if you enjoy all of them in a vacuum.

Don’t plant what you can’t harvest, you know? Living a life you can swing is better than a “better” life that you have to spin plates to maintain.

So I think that’s the best use of stress – as a warning system. If you’re feeling it, then it’s time to look at what needs to get cut out of your life for the betterment of the rest of it.

“Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.”

Man, Yoda sure said it. I hate the concept of “trying,” especially when it’s applied to something that you’re absolutely doing a terrible job at. Sometimes I watch someone just positively slam their head into a brick wall over and over, and when I point out that they’ve once again failed to get through and ask if they need help, they just get frustrated and yell, “I’m trying!”

Here’s why I hate that use of the phrase: To me, the central element of “trying” is “attempting to succeed.” Doing something you already know doesn’t work, but doing it harder, isn’t attempting to succeed. You see someone forget their glasses every morning, causing everyone to be late in the carpool because they have to turn around and get them. The rest of the group admonishes them for forgetting again, and they say, “I’m trying to remember!” Sure… but you won’t remember. We’ve established that. On Day 2, we figured out that you relying on your brain to instruct you of the need for your glasses at the appropriate time isn’t a successful strategy. So… what did you do differently on Day 3? Did you set an alarm on your phone for 3 minutes before you leave that says “Glasses?” Did you buy an extra pair to keep in your work bag? Did you ask your partner to start putting them on top of your keys the night before? Or… did you just “try” to remember them again?

If you angrily claim “I’m trying,” in response to criticism of your results, then I have news for you: you’re not trying. You’re doing the opposite, in fact. You’re being lazy about achieving results, because getting better results would require you to make a change that, however small it might be, you’re too lazy or stubborn to make.

Our brains are flawed machines. When they don’t do what we want, we have to work around them. That’s attempting to succeed. Anything else is just trying my patience.

When you have to start something at a certain time, your brain starts doing all the work of figuring out when you have to stop doing whatever you were doing before, based on how long the changeover will happen. So if I have to be at work at 8:00 AM, that doesn’t mean I can set my alarm for 7:59. The process of changing from “asleep, in my bed” to “at work, ready to be productive” involves plenty of steps, and it’s part of my job to figure out how long those steps take.

But this is true for pretty much everything. If I want to go to dinner with my friend at 6, I need to know the changeover process from “watching a movie,” or else I won’t get to finish it (or I’ll be late to dinner). This whole thing is why people get stuck in that loop where they have an appointment at 4 PM, so the whole day is shot; they can’t properly assess what a novel, unique changeover process looks like. And especially if you’re trying to do multiple things, then for each thing, your brain is re-doing the changeover calculations.

Deep work helps! It’s easier on the brain to do 1 thing for 8 hours than to try to do 5 different things in that same time period. You’ll lose a lot of time to the changes themselves, and your brain will have to run this whole subroutine to move from one to the other.

Deep work, routines, and acceptance of lost hours when they happen – these are the ingredients to a low-stress day!

I have been a father for fourteen years today.

Fourteen years ago, this tiny little bean dropped into my life. I was laughably unprepared, as we all are. But I had the greatest support system in the world, and in that fine, fine garden my little bean grew.

Now, my mighty Beanstalk is as capable, charming, clever, curious, and creative as any in her generation. She is a marvelous young woman, and I am proud of her every single day.

Happy birthday, my love. You have made me better with your own perfection, and I am grateful for every second with you.

Happy New Month!

A long, cold winter is finally breaking. My resolution is therefore simple: CLEAN.

Being stuck indoors really lets the junk accumulate! I need a purge and a scrub.

May your days be godly – or next to, at least!

I love cultural mixing. I love visiting other cultures, and I love when people from other cultures visit mine. Sometimes this is as big as a person from another country visiting mine (and I’ve had the pleasure of hosting several such people before!), and other times it’s just someone who was raised very differently having dinner with me and seeing all the interesting ways our assumptions clash. Regardless, I find the discussion around how our cultures intersect or diverge to be a fascinating one, always.

One way people from different cultures interact that I particularly love is when they (good-naturedly!) make fun of each other for not behaving in accordance with cultural norms they only just found out about. I might buy someone their first cheesesteak, for example, and before their first bite I’m ribbing them over eating it wrong, or something like that. I love this, because it’s an invitation. It’s saying, “Hey, you should adopt this cultural norm! You should become part of my tribe, so we can share this special in-group knowledge!”

Not being delicate with someone is an expression of friendship, of tribal unity. You’re diplomatic with someone when… well, when you’re a diplomat. An “other,” only visiting. But if we’re going to become friends or even family, we laugh together. We joke and jostle and make fun, a little. We “mean” at each other, sometimes just to give the other person permission to do it back. We become closer, and it gives meaning to our time together.

Come have a cheesesteak with me any time, my friend.

Let’s say you buy a car. It’s extremely comfortable. It’s very clean. It has lots of awesome features – great stereo, powerful air conditioning, adjustable seats, lots of trunk space. Very roomy. Satellite navigation. Every feature you can imagine.

But it doesn’t run. Is this a good car?

Most goods and services have a core function – a single thing that represents why you’d buy it in the first place. Everything else is bells and whistles. You can judge those extras (or lack thereof) under whatever criteria works for you, but if the thing doesn’t perform it’s core function, then all the extra amenities in the world don’t create value.

Just remember that whenever you have to make a judgement call about what to provide in your own line of work. Always prioritize the core function.

Trying to improve too many things at once can be detrimental, even setting you back farther than where you began. This can be true even if all the improvements are individually good ideas!

You can try to improve your health with a new diet and exercise regime. You can start a business as a side hustle. You can start dating seriously. And once each of those things are in maintenance mode, they can co-exist. But trying to start all three at the same time is not a good idea.

You can’t rush certain things, and certain things have to be done in order. Take your time – your better life will be there when you arrive.

I used to dislike how people needed “social permission” in order to listen to obvious good advice. If a wise scholar or “guru” says it, you’ll do it; if a rando off the street says the exact same thing, you’ll ignore it.

Not anymore. I understand the value of social permission. People need it, because the good advice is only obvious if you already know it! If you don’t, then you don’t know it’s good advice – and the admiration of your peers, while not a perfect validation system by any means, is better than no signal at all.

There’s a funny meme that goes: “I’m going to get a good grade at therapy, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve.”

It’s funny because there are plenty of people who want to do therapy “correctly” (and plenty of other subjective things, too). But look a little closer, and this kind of “correct” always translates to “whatever gets me superficial approval from a perceived authority figure.”

If something is subjective like that, then the main – often only – person whose opinion matters is you.