Questions should point towards solutions. When you question something, you should have a hypothesis – a theory that the questions are meant to test. A point you’re trying to reach.

Questions for the sake of curiosity are fine, of course. But also remember that the time of others is a limited resource, carefully given. When you use your own time, feel free to indulge in boundless intellectual investigation for its own sake – that’s how the world is discovered! (And to my children: your dad always counts – his time is always freely given to the insatiable curiosity your beautiful minds possess.) But when engaging with others, your inquiry should be leading somewhere. To a proposed solution, an engagement of some kind. If you aren’t, then you aren’t making the best use of your – or their – time.

I’ve seen this question float around from time to time: “If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, who would it be?”

It’s a good question, definitely would spur a decent conversation. Good icebreaker if you’re ever getting to know someone. But you know what never gets asked?

Where would you go to eat?

There’s a good reason that doesn’t get asked – it doesn’t matter at all. If you suddenly had the opportunity to eat dinner with Ralph Waldo Emerson or Frederick Douglass or some other amazing individual, who cares where you’re eating? If the person you’d pick suggested a restaurant you dislike, would you turn them down? Of course not.

The point is that our connections to the people around us, the people we choose to connect with, are paramount. All emotion – love, hate, grief, joy – all of it stems from connection. If you’re closed off to someone or something, that thing has no ability to inspire any great feeling in you. In order for something to affect you, you must first choose to allow it a connection with you. For good or ill, that connection is very difficult to moderate; you can’t give something the power to cause you joy without also allowing it the power to cause you sorrow.

And so with people, who you choose to give that power to is of vital importance. People will affect you, they will inspire you, they will complement you, and they will support you. The right people in your life will make all the difference.

So when you’re making a decision, look for the people that decision affects, and which of those people will become closer or farther away from you as a result. Choosing jobs? Look at who you’d work with, not what you’d do. Choosing schools? Look at who teaches, not what the major is. Choosing cities? Look at your potential neighbors and value them more than you think you should.

Be a people person.

Doubt is a terrible burden. It plagues us and haunts us. It makes us inefficient; it keeps us from putting all of our juice where it will do the most good for us. It makes us waste precious time second-guessing ourselves.

And yet, we often spend a lot of our efforts protecting that doubt. We don’t ask for a promotion, because what if they say no? We don’t try that project, because what if we fail?

The promotion, the successful project, the whatever – those are secondary goals. The primary goal is the removal of doubt. That is a precious gift! If you have doubt about whether a friend would support you in a particular circumstance, don’t avoid that circumstance! This is important information to you, so go find out!

Either you were wrong to doubt the friend and that’s great, or you were correct to doubt them and now you never have to waste effort there again. These are both valuable things to know. The removal of doubt is a great blessing, in either direction.

Today marks the first month since my father’s passing. I wish I could say that it’s gotten easier to endure, but I try not to lie to you.

No memory exists in a vacuum, unaffected by others. The things you do in life affect the perception of others. Good and bad deeds aren’t taken in perfect isolation. Gandhi did some bad things and Hitler did some good ones, but how those things affect the overall legacy is a tapestry we cannot see the threads of from far away. We can only look at the whole of the woven pattern.

What will our legacy be? The shadow of my father’s passes over everything I do, see, touch. It gives me pause to think about the future.

A machine can function very poorly even if all of its individual parts work very well.

A team can function very poorly even if all of the individual members are very good at what they do.

We tend to think of “differences” as being the things that separate us, and the opposite of that is “commonalities” – the things that make us the same. But that isn’t so. Especially when it comes to teams, we have to borrow a term from mathematics. The opposite of “difference” is “sum.”

You see, we’re all different people. But whether those differences make us work against one another or support one another has to do with the overall structure of the equation. A 35 and a 12 can be on the same team and they’ll remain a 35 and a 12. But whether the team as a whole is a 47 or a 23 depends on whether they’re combining their talents effectively or whether they’re pitted against one another.

In this way, a poorly-functioning machine might not be blamed on any one faulty part. Two gears might both be top-quality but be spinning in opposite directions. Taken in isolation, each gear looks fine – it’s only when you step back and look at the whole machine that you realize the issue.

Examine your teams this way, too. If the team’s results aren’t where you want them to be, don’t automatically look for a weak member. You might not find one. You might just find ten strong people all pulling in opposite directions. Fix the machine, fix the equation, fix the configuration. Then you’ll have sum success.

The advice “think for yourself” is good wisdom. But most people that fail to heed it aren’t, in my experience, letting other people think for them. They’re letting other people think against them, and letting that dictate all their opinions.

Sometimes, you won’t like someone. And sometimes, I am very very very sorry to tell you, that person will be correct about something. If the person you hate most in the world says the sky is blue or two plus two equals four, your revulsion doesn’t change the facts.

So please, please don’t just automatically assume that every opinion you hear from someone you don’t like is false. The world is a series of spectrums, not two big buckets. “Them” is everyone. If you must be contradictory, make your contradictions against your own errors. Think against yourself.

There is a weird sort of flawed pattern of thought that I occasionally encounter. You might encounter it as well – or you may even find yourself engaging in it. Hopefully I’ll give you some helpful tools either way.

The flawed thought pattern revolves around the concept of being “trapped.” I’m not talking strictly literally; I don’t mean that you’re in a net hanging from a tree. I mean “trapped” in the sense that one or more important aspects of your current set of circumstances can’t be changed by you.

Being trapped sucks! You should avoid it, certainly. And there are lots of ways to end up fully or partially trapped. If you’ve committed a major crime, then you may be trapped both physically for a while, and then partially for a long while after that as the burden of your reputation follows you through society. You may be trapped because you’ve signed certain binding commitments – trapped in an underwater mortgage, trapped as a deployed soldier, and so on. Note that the concept doesn’t require you to have been trapped by someone else – in fact, most of the time that won’t be the case. But trapped is still trapped.

So far, no logical flaws. But there are some people that seem to think that the concept of “trapped” also applies to having circumstances so good that any change would be worse!

Let me give you an example: Once I was leaving a building and outside of the adjacent one there was a demonstration being held by striking workers. Ever curious, I engaged one of them in conversation to find out what the deal was. Their demands weren’t unusual – they wanted more pay. I asked them if they were bound by any sort of contract or something like that. Turns out, no – they were free to quit any time, and wouldn’t be penalized for doing so or lose anything (other than their job). So I asked: why not just quit and get a higher-paying job? The worker I was talking to answered that he couldn’t, he was trapped, because his current job already paid him more than any other job available to him.

Now, this isn’t a commentary on labor relations. And by all means, strike if you want to and if it has a good chance of getting you what you want (that’s a tactical decision in my mind, not a moral one). But this particular worker’s logic, at least on this topic, was highly flawed. He wasn’t trapped at all. Absolutely nothing prevented him from changing his circumstances. He simply didn’t want to, because the new set would be worse. But that’s not the same thing at all.

If you’re in an abusive relationship with a spouse that has tightly controlled all of your money, doesn’t allow you to have a phone, a car, or a job, etc. – that’s “trapped.” If you’re in a normal and healthy relationship and you just don’t like the fact that if you sleep with someone else your partner will leave you, that’s not “trapped.” The existence of consequences does not indicate a cage.

Be careful with your own thinking. There’s nothing wrong with ambition; even if your circumstances are the best of all currently available options, you can certainly strive for even more. But if you think that the reason “more” hasn’t simply been served to you on a silver platter is because you’re “trapped” by your current plenty, that’s a combination of greed and foolishness.

I’ve worked with plenty of clients who have what people call “golden handcuffs.” That means they have a job that they don’t want, but it pays them so much more than the next available option (usually because they’ve been doing it for so long) that they feel like they can’t leave. But of course, you can leave. You just might not like doing so for a while. But if you fool yourself into thinking that you’re actually trapped in a real sense, you’ll miss all the ways you can change your circumstances for the even better with minimal pain.

And when someone else claims to be trapped, be skeptical. Sometimes they are. Many times, you’re just talking to a greedy, lazy fool.

Happy New Month!

This month is my middle child’s birth month – she’ll be turning five in a few short weeks. Just today she helped me assemble some furniture and made me realize that all three of my children are advancing in their capabilities even faster than I anticipated. And I’m already a very “kids are capable” sort of parent!

So my resolution this month is to push even further. I want to unleash my little heroes on the world, and the sooner the better. I want to give all three of them more tasks, more things they can do on their own. I will always be there to guide, to catch, to advise – whether they’re five or fifty. But they’re brilliant, competent little adventurers and I want to do nothing more than open doors for them and let them run. So this month, my goal is at least one major “new” thing for all three of them.

Wish me luck – not them, they don’t need it.