To Want or Not to Want

There is a big difference between “I don’t want to do that,” and “I want to not do that.”

For me, wanting to do something is a status reserved for a relatively small sampling of all the things it’s possible to do. The same is true for things I actively want to avoid. The rest of all possible stuff to do is in a broad category of stuff I’m relatively neutral about.

And to be clear: I only want to do about 25% of the stuff I do. The rest is stuff I have to do. I have to pay bills, clean my house, brush my teeth, and so on. These aren’t things I’m excited about, they’re just the things I have to do in order to have the life I’d like.

I almost never do stuff I actively want to not do, and that’s something I’m quite proud of.

But I notice that lots of people seem to take that huge category in the middle and act like it’s a massive burden to ever do that stuff! As if somehow the goal of life was only to ever do stuff that actively brought you joy directly, instead of stuff that maintains a life where joy can thrive.

I heard someone recently say that they weren’t interested in a potential partner, who was otherwise incredibly well-suited for them, simply because that potential mate was religious and the person I was talking to wasn’t. The religion itself wasn’t poorly aligned with their values or anything, either. It was simply a matter of “I don’t want to go to church every Sunday.”

That’s bonkers to me. In any relationship, you’re going to do some stuff that isn’t your cup of tea. No person on Earth wants to spend all 168 hours of each week exactly as you do. Whether your partner spends Sundays watching football or attending Mass or gardening or whatever, that just might be a little thing you do in order to have all the other wonderful elements of a successful and happy relationship.

And that’s just life! Filled with little things that bring neither joy nor sorrow, but are just the basic maintenance costs of our lives. An attitude where those neutral things are burdensome is such a surefire way to a miserable life I wouldn’t curse my worst enemy with it.

Try to do at least one thing each day that brings you joy, that you want to do. Try to do as few things as possible that you actively want not to, but – critically – keep that list incredibly short. Everything else, just do because it keeps the proverbial lights on.