Here’s how to improve your writing: Be more direct. Use fewer words.
I struggle with this. I like to build strong visual analogies. But when you hand your work to an editor, they almost never say “you should make this longer.”
Look at your sentences. Highlight every word you could remove and still have the sentence make sense. Then remove them.
People’s attention is a finite resource. You’ll only have it for so long. Use it well.