One thing I’m particularly bad at: giving myself a “cutoff point.” I have a hard time declaring a day “done” and saying it’s time to rest before it’s time to physically pass out.

Someone mentioned to me recently that they noticed I almost always stand when I eat. Unless I’m specifically at a restaurant or something, I usually don’t sit down when I eat. A body in motion remains in motion, and a body at rest remains at rest; I think I jealously guard momentum and don’t want to lose it.

But periodic, satisfying rest is better than grinding eternally. Something to focus on.

“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything.” I think it’s fine to be polite, but that sentence is incorrect. There are plenty of times where it’s quite appropriate to say something that isn’t very nice. If your friend is about to hire a contractor that you know from personal experience is a scam artist, then you should certainly tell your friend this!

But a key element is this: your not-very-nice comment must serve a kind purpose. Does it prevent harm? Does it help resolve a conflict? Then speak up. Something doesn’t have to be nice if it’s both true and helpful.

But those last bits are important – true and helpful. Without those, saying something that isn’t nice is just gossip.

If you manage a team, teach a class, or in any way are responsible for a group, then you have to pay close attention to anyone who is making the experience worse for everyone else – no matter how much they’re contributing on their own.

I had a fantastic mentor give me this advice years ago during my first sales management role: At some point for every sales manager, they will have a top performer, an absolutely incredible seller, who is a huge jerk. No matter how much money they’re making for the office, you have to get rid of them, and quickly, if you can’t solve it. Because that person will destroy your whole team, no matter how good they are individually.

Nothing matters more than team cohesion. You need to work hard to create a culture that allows people to bring you those concerns quickly. You don’t want people even worried that you’ll favor high individual productivity over abusive group behavior; otherwise they may not even bring you their concerns. And if they aren’t, they’re solving them in their own way, which usually means leaving.

You have to expel the poison quickly. Coach first, and see if you can address it. But if you can’t, be swift.

If you go to a good friend and tell them that you feel really guilty about something you did, most friends try to tell you not to feel guilty. While well-meaning, I think that’s frequently bad advice.

You should feel guilty about certain things! That’s a calibrated moral compass at work, trying to steer you to make amends. You shouldn’t wallow in your guilt. You should take action to reverse whatever you’ve done to cause you to feel this way, if indeed it’s something you should feel guilty about.

Too often we try so many ways to stop feeling guilty other than fixing the issue. But getting into that habit is also a great way to calibrate that moral sense. If the only way to undo the thing that made you feel guilty is to take an action that you don’t agree with, then you feel false guilt. For example, some people feel guilty for taking their own PTO time. So run that through the test: are you willing to permanently give up your PTO in order to not feel guilt? Hopefully not! So that means that’s false guilt, and you shouldn’t feel it. But if you feel guilty because you lied about a friend in order to gain some social status, then you can fix that by coming clean and making amends. Since you should do that, the guilt you feel is real.

Guilt is a guide, if trained correctly. Don’t suppress it; engage with it as a trusted advisor.

Wind did some damage to my property. Got a flat tire, too. A little bit of bad news at work. Tired from a long week.

Smoke, ephemeral, fleeting.

My children hugged me, eager to tell me about their days at school and doubly eager to play games with me.

A shining edifice, beautiful and everlasting.

Talking solves problems. I mean actually talking – phone or in person. Not email, not texting. Those can solve problems sometimes too; any communication is better than none. But the number of times I’ve gotten a “no” over email but turned it into a “yes” by talking to someone live is too high to count.

You need that back-and-forth, the solutioning that happens in real conversation, to solve problems and find unorthodox paths. When you try to have that level of engagement in text form, it becomes a slog. The barrage of messages becomes annoying and exhausting rather than productive.

Pick up the phone or, even better, go visit. Talk it through, and use that magic that only the weaving of words can bring. Turn those walls into doors.

While teaching a course today, I told the group I could see they were eager for an upcoming exercise, describing them as “champing at the bit.” This phrase is very commonly phrased incorrectly as “chomping at the bit.” It’s easy to understand why, since “chomping” generally means “biting down on something.” But the horse-specific term is “champing,” and that’s the correct use of the idiom.

Since everyone understands perfectly well what you mean when you say “chomping at the bit,” you might think: who cares?

After the course was over, one of the participants came up to specifically thank me for using the correct “champing” phrase. He also told me that it made him take me more seriously!

And that’s the point. If someone doesn’t know the correct phrase, you lose nothing by using the incorrect one. But occasionally you will lose people if you offer too many mistakes in your speech, especially in a role where you’re trying to educate or persuade. 99% of the time, they won’t tell you. But you’ll lose them anyway.

That doesn’t mean you should become obsessive or paranoid about every word you say. What it does mean is that if someone informs you of something along those lines, you shouldn’t scoff and dismiss it as pedantic. You should be grateful that they opened the door for you to reach more people!

It’s a simple lesson, but worth repeating: Whenever you want to know how to handle a situation with another person, ask that person.

Here’s your template: “I think we both want to resolve this, and I want to be as respectful as I can. What’s the best way I can help us solve this problem? What would work best for you?”

That works in 99.99% of situations, but it’s frequently the last thing people try, if they try it at all. Not sure what would make your partner feel appreciated? Tell them you care, and ask them. Having difficulty with a coworker? Tell them you want to work well together, and ask them how. Friend upset at you, and you can’t figure out why? Let them know you value them, and ask them how they’d like you to show it.

Always start with the ask.

I’m surprised at how often in the workplace someone will say that they were asked to do something, and in the same breath claim they didn’t have the choice to say no.

Then they weren’t asking, were they?

Or – more likely – they were asking, and the person who didn’t let you say no is in the mirror.

Don’t create unreasonable expectations that don’t actually exist.

The senses are linked in weird ways. You can change the way things taste by holding your nose when you eat them, because those senses work together to form the actual profile of what you’re eating in your brain.

I’m always wowed by the way sight contributes to those things. Want to know why putting a band-aid on a kid’s bruised finger makes them feel better, even though that makes no sense? “Pain” is just a signal from your body to your brain that something is damaged and you need to do something about it. But sight does that, too! If you see a big bruise on your arm, it will hurt more than the same bruise if you can’t see it.

Visual cues can make us calm or anxious, angry or happy – even hungry or hurt. If you put a snack on your desk while you work, you’ll get hungry and want that snack sooner than if you didn’t.

Which means, ultimately: control your vision. Put things in front of you that are visual cues to the behaviors and attitudes you want, as often as you can control such things. And put the other stuff far, far out of sight.