Corrections & Directions

Imagine that you hear someone say something very insulting and offensive to you. You get angry or upset, but have the wherewithal to ask if you heard them correctly. They repeat themselves, and you discover that you didn’t hear them correctly – in fact, they said something totally benign and you misheard them. The benign thing they actually said makes much more sense in context and you have no reason to believe they’re lying, so you realize the error was entirely yours.

Now, the question: For how long are you still mad?

People seem to vary wildly on this. For some people, the second they realize there was nothing to be upset about, they stop being upset. For others, the residual emotion takes a lot longer to dissipate. I’ve even seen people react with suspicion or accusations that the speaker is in fact being manipulative or shady, even though there’s no evidence to support this, simply because they’re still mad – and if they’re mad, then the other person must surely be the cause of it.

All of our “negative” emotions can be turned to our benefit. Anger can be a way to give you the confidence to speak up and advocate for yourself. Jealousy can inspire us to work harder and achieve our goals. Sadness can help us open up to others about what we need in times of grief. But all of these positive effects require us to truly understand and be honest about the sources of those emotions.

It can be harder when there is no real source. If anger gives you the confidence to speak up, but it turns out that the thing you wanted to speak out against is imaginary in the first place, it can be very difficult to get the catharsis we need to process that emotion. The chemicals rattle around in your brain whether you want them to or not.

There are other ways to process emotion, of course – different directions you can move. Anger doesn’t have to lead to advocacy; it can instead be managed with meditation, nature walks, listening to good music, or even mitigated by laughter. If you have to change direction like that, do so. Don’t double down on an emotional error.