Amended

A few weeks ago, I was put in the unfortunate position of getting a report of one of my kids’ very bad behavior at a relative’s. They had been there for a while, and when I picked them up, I was informed that they had been something of a nightmare. This is quite out of character for any of my kids, at least while they’re with me. I was so shocked that my instinct was to ground the kid or otherwise punish them, but I considered it for a bit and did something else instead.

First, I had a talk with them about behavior, specifically about how it was more important that they behave well when I’m not around than when I am. I said that when I’m around, I can be there to help them consider their actions or redirect. When I’m not there, they’re on their own – and they’re also my representative. Their behavior speaks to how our family operates, and I don’t want bad reflections on our family name.

After the talk, they were very apologetic. I accepted the apology, but also explained that apologies aren’t enough to make up for certain behavior. You have to do more than apologize; you have to make amends. You have to put in genuine effort to fix things, to make the other person’s life at least as much better as you made it worse in the first place.

To that end, I didn’t punish with grounding or anything like that. Instead (after consulting with the relative in question), I took my child back over to their house and had them do chores. Lots of chores. Anything that relative needed, and I explained to my kid that they were never to ask “Am I done yet,” but instead to say, “I finished that chore, what else can I do for you?”

Today, that same kid spent a few hours at that same relative’s house without me. When I showed up, I got an absolutely glowing report. They were more than just “not bad,” they were a helpful and pleasant joy, so I’m told.

I showered my kid with gratitude and praise, telling them how happy they made me. They said they liked it better this way.

The kids are all right.